


Sometimes Quiet Is Violent

by Mrs_Moony



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bad Relationship with Parents, Community: rs_games, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Death of a child, R/S Games 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-24 04:06:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8356522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_Moony/pseuds/Mrs_Moony
Summary: R/S Games 2016 - Day 20 - Team Place
Sometimes, running away seems like the better option. 
That's what he does--he runs and he never looks back.
But when he's given the option to stay, it's as terrifying as it is tempting.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** First of all, I'd like to thank my beta for being the absolute best and, on top of correcting my hideous grammar, making my day with each little comment! Thank you. All the remaining mistakes are my own. As for the fic, it's one of my longest ones and honestly, I loved working on it so much. I really hope that you'll enjoy reading it.  
>  **Prompt:** #52 - "Fate whispers to the warrior, 'You cannot withstand the storm', and the warrior whispers back, 'I am the storm'." - Unknown

**Sometimes Quiet Is Violent**

 

**Fate whispers to the warrior**

**"You cannot withstand the storm"**

**and the warrior whispers back**

**"I am the storm"**

**~ Unknown**

 

The music was way too loud, in Sirius' opinion. He could smell the sweat of dozens of bodies and cigarette smoke, and his eyes were trying to get used to the limited vision and aggressive laser show that gave him an instant headache.

 

To put it shortly, it was a shithole.

 

“I don't like this place, Jamie. Why don't we go find somewhere else? It's fucking crowded, man.” He glanced at James and knew immediately that they won't be leaving tonight. He just rolled his eyes and walked into the muggle club, trying to drag Sirius with him.

 

This was exactly the kind of place James had in mind when he said he needed to stop thinking.

Sighing, Sirius followed his best mate and muttered: “You owe me this one, Potter.”

“Come on, it's not at all bad. I like the music.”

 

“Music? You mean the shitty, cringe-worthy MTV rubbish they're playing? Have you lost your mind?” As if it was meant to be, the music started thumping even louder, forcing the two to go away from the speakers so that they could hear each other at least briefly.

 

James then took Sirius' hand into his own and, worrying his lips between his teeth, sighed deeply.

“I don't wanna force you, you know. If you need to get out or don't wanna be here, it's completely fine. Really. But… I need this. I need this one night of the shittiest fucking music because at least it's loud, and I need loud because my thoughts are killing me. I just need it to stop for one sodding night.” His voice was tense and his hands shaking slightly, but Sirius held them tighter and met his eyes.

 

“It's okay. I understand. Trust me, I wouldn't be here if it was too much. You need this, and I'm staying with you.”

 

“Thank you. I really do owe you.”

 

“Oh you bet you do,” Sirius grinned, turning them around though not letting go of James for a single second.

 

“You can make up for this shitty place if you at least help me show these people what a good dance looks like. Seems to me like it's a bit dead on the dance floor.” Taking the bet, James let himself be dragged into the centre where people were jumping around mindlessly, and the two of them started dancing.

 

They may not have been exactly fond of the music, but they were moving as if they were born with it flowing through their veins. It was always like that with them. They knew what the other will do just before it happened, they understood each other and their bodies and it was no secret that they danced fucking brilliantly.

Seeing James laughing out loud and overflowing with joy, Sirius thought it was worth it. His best friends' - or more like brother's - happiness was the most important thing for him. Seeing him as devastated as he'd been these last few days was awful, and if one stupid club could make it at least a little easier for just a few moments, he was glad.

 

After five songs in a row, Sirius was exhausted, but he had to admit he was enjoying himself.  “Gods, I can't… can't breathe. Let's…. for a while….” He pointed at the bar and the two of them made their way there, sitting at the bar stools and catching their breaths.

 

“You aren't at all that bad, Potter. Might even stand a chance against me.”

 

“Twat. As if it weren't me who taught you how to shake that arse of yours.”

 

“That just proves that a student has overtaken the teacher.” This comment earned Sirius a playful nudge in the ribs, but he just huffed and signaled for the bartender.

 

Before he could speak though, James reached over him and got the bloke's attention.

“Two tequilas. Better make them double, and a bottle of beer please.” The bartender nodded, quickly prepared their drinks, and set them gently down in front of them.

 

“Didn't know this was a tequila night. I would have worn my famous tequila boots.” Sirius made a grimace as he caught the smell, but he caught a glimpse of James emptying the glass at once, so he shrugged and did the same.

 

“Fuck. I hate tequila.” James shivered and ruffled his hair, making Sirius laugh.

 

“Gosh, I thought you got rid of that ages ago. The ruffling your hair bit? Are you trying to impress me? Should I swoon?” He pretended to be falling into James' arms which earned him a withering glower.

 

“Wanker. At least I didn't practise walking in front of a mirror.” He grinned devilishly when he saw Sirius' face reddening.

 

“That was one time! Those heels were fucking enormous, I didn't wanna make a fool of myself!”

 

“Sure, sure. You keep telling yourself that.”

 

They ordered another drink.

 

And another.

 

Honestly, Sirius felt a bit bad that he'd let James deal with his misery this way, but he didn't know what else to do. So instead of trying to talk James out of it, he'd decided to screw it and stop thinking for just this one night.

 

He needed it just as much as James.

 

Sometimes between the fifth and sixth round, Sirius noticed a bloke who sat a few stools on the left, who he could swear was watching him. He tried not to be so obvious observing the guy, though he surely did get his attention since he stood up and sat on the stool next to him.

 

He was tall—much taller than Sirius originally assumed. Trying to focus his gaze on him, Sirius turned around so that he was facing the stranger.

 

Even in his slightly drunken state, he saw how unusually handsome the man was. He had sharp-cut jaw and full lips that formed into a little crooked smile. His eyes, though, were a strange mix of brown and gold. A colour he'd never seen on a person before.

 

He realised he might have been staring for too long, but he didn't mind a bit. He offered the stranger one of his most charming smiles, trying to regain his composure.

 

“Hello there. What can I do for you?” The man eyed him up and down, his lips still showing just a hint of a smile, but then he snorted.

 

“Is that an offer?” he asked, blinking slowly, and Sirius found himself unable to look away from how he licked his lips after he said that.

 

“Depends,” he put a lot of effort into sounding confident again, “on what you're hoping for.”

He almost expected the gorgeous man to get up and drag him into some alley, but again, he was mistaken. His expression changed immediately and suddenly he was really smiling, warming up in the face and leaning in closer.

 

“What about you have a pint with me?” He didn't wait for an agreement and ordered two.

Sirius swallowed, confused in what he should do. The alcohol was beginning to make him feel dizzy, loud tones bumping in his head when he tried to think.

 

“Eh I…. I'm not sure it's a good idea that I drink, mate. But thanks. Really, I… What was your name again?” He found it a bit hard to follow his thoughts, but one thing he knew for sure: he had to know the bloke's name on all costs.

 

“I didn't say.” Of bloody course.

 

Sighing, Sirius leaned into his chair and given up, sipping on his beer which he still felt was a bad idea, but who was he to care?

 

“And you're not telling me because…?” That earned him a chuckle and a funny look.

 

“It's a bit improper to ask for my name when you still haven't said yours, don't you think? But if you want to know so much, it's Remus.” The way he said his own name, how he looked down at Sirius (even while sitting he was way taller than him) and there was this look in his eyes again. That look he was giving him before all the smiles and cute chuckles.

 

Sirius was so confused—who was this man, really?

 

“I'm Sirius. And before you ask, no, not the emotion, the star. The—“

 

“The brightest one in the November sky. I know.” Remus smiled at him again, not blinking once.

 

“Sirius! Where have you gone? Been looking for you for ages!” James' arm landed on his shoulder, dragging him down a bit—the only thing stopping them both from a fall being Remus' hand on his arm, pulling him up gently.

“Are you trying to kill me, Prongs? Ugh, let go! My arm's going numb… Jeez, how much have you drank?” He was getting seriously worried about his best friend, seeing that he was unable to stand on his own.

 

“Prongs?” Sirius noticed that James' gaze was unfocused, his eyes half-closed. He looked like he's fallen asleep—standing.

 

“Eh, I gotta get him out. Into the car, at best. It was nice meeting you, Remus.” He tried to get up, but both his and James' weight was too much to bear with his head spinning wildly.

 

“Let me help you out, yeah?” Again, Remus didn't wait for approval and took James from him as if he weighed nothing - and then even helped Sirius walk all the way out since he almost fell a few times.

 

Once they were outside, Sirius looked up at Remus with what he hoped was a thankful expression.

“Thank you, really, I would never get us out in one piece.”

 

“Don't mention it. What concerns me is how are you planning to drive the two of you home. You can barely stand.”

 

“I'm alright,” he said, losing his balance and almost falling.

 

“Yeah, right. You know what, let me drive you whenever you need. I've come here on foot so I can walk to my place from there. I've only had that one pint so it will be alright.” Considering his own drunk state and James almost passing out, he didn't think very long about it. There was no way he could apparate to home, either.

 

“If it doesn't bother you. Here's the keys. Be gentle, I love that car.” Sirius dropped the keys into Remus' palm and helped James get in.

 

After Sirius and James were seated safely, Remus started the car and drove to their flat, following the instructions.

 

“Almost there… thanks for the ride, man.” Sirius' eyes were fixed on a block in front of them, so Remus parked the car and turned to him.

 

“I could help you get him up, if you want.” Again, he agreed, and soon they were dragging James upstairs—though Sirius suspected that the majority of his friends' weight was on Remus.

 

In front of their door he stumbled for the keys, but luckily found them quickly and then pointed Remus to James' room where he dropped him on the bed. James not as much as groaned throughout the process, but now he woke up, bleary-eyed and confused.

 

“S-rius? What?” But before he could answer, James was already asleep again, snoring quietly.

“Guess he'll be out for a few hours. I'd never get him here on my own. I really owe you some,” he smiled thankfully, guiding them out of James' room and closing the door.

 

Together, they stood in the hallway, awkwardly fidgeting and waiting.

 

“I should be going. Your friend's safely home now.”

 

“You don't… why don't you have a cuppa with me? It's the least I can do, and I could do with some sobering-up.”

“Er,” Remus looked around nervously, but there was something else on his face. For a second, Sirius was sure he saw a glimpse of anger. It was soon gone though, and he blamed the drinks for seeing things.

 

“Maybe a tea would be nice. If you really don't mind.” His face was normal again, mouth curving into a faint smile.

 

“Sure, I'll go fetch it, you make yourself comfy.” Sirius pointed Remus to the sofa and got lost in the kitchen, where he pulled out the mugs and put the kettle on.

 

He had a strange feeling in his gut, something about Remus that didn't sit quite right, though he couldn't put his finger on it. His head felt a lot less dizzy now, and he caught himself unable to pull his eyes off Remus.

 

Having him in his flat now, he started realising his presence much more intensely. Everything about him was mysterious and stunning and it was making his insides twitch with want. It was hard to focus on their conversation when all he could think about was how much he wanted to feel his skin on his own, to close the distance between them and have him as close as possible.

 

And Remus wasn't making it any easier.

 

In the beginning it seemed like he was trying to hold back—he finished his tea quickly and looked like he was about to leave, but then there was another weird exchange of emotions on his face and his mood changed rapidly.  He lost some of his control and became more careless and joyful, and later on, undeniably flirtatious. There was the same want in his eyes that Sirius felt himself.

 

“So, do you go there often? The club, I mean.” This was Sirius' third attempt to get Remus to tell him something about himself—he was the one doing all the asking, and Sirius answered all his questions. As much as he liked Remus, he had a weird feeling about his mysteriousness.

 

“Um I don't, not really. It's too loud for me, but I thought a night out would do me some good. Do you?” With every word Remus spoke, he breathed some air on Sirius' hair, since they moved closer and closer throughout their conversation until they ended up just inches apart, Sirius leaning into Remus' side with his head on his shoulder.

 

“Same as you, I guess.” He tried to focus, he really did, but the words were becoming meaningless. He couldn't go on like this anymore. Remus was this close and he wanted him, wanted him so much that his body ached.

 

He didn't even realise he started lifting his head until Remus' surprised eyes were just inches from his. Their breathing was fast, mouths almost touching, eyes locked into each other. None of them made that last step and closed the distance.

 

“I…” When Remus said that, Sirius could feel his words on his lips, and he breathed out shakily. “Want you,” he whispered, not breaking the eye contact and putting his hand on the other man's neck, slowly working his way into his hair.

 

Remus closed his eyes, murmuring something, until he finally breathed out, “Kiss me.”

 

One of them, Sirius wasn't sure who, finally moved and then their mouths were touching and moving together, tongues darting out cautiously and tangling together, the two of them getting caught up in the kiss for a little too long.

 

Sirius felt the alcohol wearing out, and he was fully aware of what he was doing. It had been a long time since he kissed anyone - or wanted anyone this much, if ever. It was just overwhelming, and he wondered whether Remus felt the same or if he was just a convenient shag for him.

 

At some point while they were kissing, Sirius slid onto Remus' lap, with his thighs tightly pressed around his middle and his growing erection rubbing against Remus' cock which was hardening with his every move.

 

“Need to… I need you. Want to fuck you,” Remus blurted out in between the kisses, and Sirius almost choked when he heard him say that, already dying with arousal.

 

“Yes. Yes, yes, please.” He was moaning already, but when he felt Remus' hands on his back, lifting his shirt up, he realised that James was just a door away and could walk in any second.

 

“Wait,” he said, breaking the kiss. “Let's take this elsewhere, to my room. James…” Remus just nodded, and stood up with Sirius still in his lap as if he weighed nothing. Sirius' legs locked firmly around him and he was being carried to his room.

 

Once there, their kisses started deepening, hands creeping up their bodies and putting off their clothes, desperate with need. When Sirius tried to take Remus' shirt off, the man shook his head.

“Sorry, I… I'll keep it on, okay?” He frowned, but didn't question it, nodding and humming into his neck.

 

Sirius looked into Remus' eyes, searching for any sign that he changed his mind, but he was met with lust. So he stumbled for lube and condoms in his drawer, pushing them into Remus' eyes and, without breaking eye-contact, he said. “I want you inside me.”

 

Groaning, Remus kissed him again, put on the condom, then reached for the lube, but Sirius lifted it up, then turned them around so that he was sitting on Remus, their throbbing cocks sliding together.

 

He put some of the lube on his fingers and then started stretching himself, soon unable to stop the moans because it's been so fucking long since he got to do this.

 

Remus was watching him hungrily, his hands firmly on his hips.

 

“Now,” Sirius said through his teeth. “I'm ready.” With that, Remus helped him position himself on his cock and then, slowly at first, he moved. Once he could feel it inside of him, he couldn't help a small whimper escaping his lips. He started moving faster, aware of Remus' fingers dripping into his hipbones and guiding him up and down, his cock finally hitting his prostate which sent a wave of pleasure through his body.

 

“Oh God… yes… right there… yes… please…Right there…” His and Remus' moans were blending together, both shaking with pleasure and nearing orgasms.

 

“Feels so good… so fucking good Sirius. Oh…” Remus was mumbling, his breathing getting faster, and Sirius could feel the intense pleasure forming inside of him, waiting to be released.

“Please, I'm almost there, just…”

 

Remus started shaking with orgasm and once Sirius got a glimpse of his face, he too came hard and long, his mouth open and eyes firmly shut.

 

When it was over, he climbed off Remus and lay down next to him, still shaking a bit and trying to catch his breath.

 

“That was…” he began.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Haven't been fucked that good in a while, let me tell you.”

 

“Oh yeah? You weren't so bad yourself.”

 

He snorted, still not opening his eyes. “Not so bad. Sure.”

 

A yawn escaped his lips and Remus soon followed him, which made them both laugh.

 

“You can sleep over, if you want. Just that you seem as tired as I am.”

 

“Yeah I… thanks.” Not sure if he should, Sirius put his head in the crook of Remus' neck and was relieved when the other men held him close.

  * ••



In the morning, the whole world seemed to be way too loud. It took Sirius a while to adjust his eyes to the sudden light, but once he did, the room finally stopped spinning and he could sit up.

 

He glanced at the spot next to him, expecting to see Remus—he just started remembering the night before—but the bed was empty. Frowning, he looked around the room and was relieved once he spotted the jacket that almost certainly wasn't his, folded neatly on the arm of his chair.

 

That meant that Remus was probably already in the kitchen, being mother-henned by James who never really felt hungover, no matter how much he drank.

 

He decided to stay in bed for just a few more minutes, stretching and reliving the previous night. It was nice, he thought, being that he didn't get to do that a lot—sleeping with strangers who didn't turn out to be total arseholes. He also felt a bit guilty for letting himself get carried away and not taking better care of James—which was the purpose of the evening—but his memories were a bit blurry so he decided to not think about that right now.

 

Finally, after he was fully awake, he got up from his bed and put on some clothes, making his way to the kitchen where he wanted to say good morning to Remus before taking a shower—and maybe persuade him to take one together.

 

In the kitchen, though, he found James leaning against the counter and drinking one of his disgusting smoothies, with no company at all.

“Morning, Prongs.” James acknowledged him and put the cup down, grinning at him. “Good morning, sleeping beauty. Did you get a nice, long, fulfilling sleep?” He smiled at him knowingly and Sirius rolled his eyes.

 

“Yes, I did, actually. Talking about it, where is he?” He glanced around the room, half expecting to see Remus somewhere.

 

James frowned and lifted one eyebrow. “I thought he's still in your room.” That was beginning to feel weird.

 

“The bathroom?”

 

“Nope, just got out of there.” There was bemused expression on James' face now, but Sirius didn't want to believe it.

 

He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it quickly, biting his lip. “I… I thought that…”

James came to him immediately, taking him in a hug and holding him in place. “He wasn't worth it, love. It's just a wanker who doesn't deserve you.” Sirius felt stupid, stupid and dumb for believing for a second that some random stranger who he picked up in a club might have wanted anything more from him than just a shag.

 

“I thought he was different, that's all. Forget it, I'm stupid.” He didn't trust himself with words so he murmured them into James' neck, taking the comfort his best friend offered him.

 

“You're not stupid, okay? Don't say that. He is. Now let me make some tea and breakfast.”

 

Nodding, Sirius pulled out of the hug, making his way to the couch where he sat on his legs and tried to not think about last night. _It was just one night. Just some random bloke. You'll get over it soon._

 

“Here's the tea. I made herbal, thought that would be calming. And pancakes.” James was balancing with the tea tray in one hand, and two plates with heavenly-smelling pancakes in the other. He sat it all on the table, sitting next to Sirius and making the tea just the way they both liked—milk and no sugar.

 

“Thank you Jamie. What would I do without you?” He only meant it half-sarcastic. James meant so much to him, he was more than just a friend. He was family, he was home.  

 

“You'd be lost, my dear. Lost and hungry, cause you can't cook for life.”

 

“True,” he said with a mouthful of a jam-filled pancake that tasted like heaven.

 

“Have I told you I love you?”

 

“A few times, I think. It never hurts to hear it again, though.”

 

They ate most of what James brought and then drank their tea, still not really talking, but it was comfortable. It always was, with the two of them.

 

Putting his mug down, Sirius leant into the couch, a frown of worry appearing on his forehead.

 

“Jamie? How do you… How do you feel? After last night?”

 

James kept quiet, finishing his tea and taking time with putting it on the tray.

 

Finally, when the feeling in the room was becoming tense, he sighed and scratched at the back of his neck. “I don't know. I felt ecstatic yesterday, and I had fun but… It was still there, in the back of my mind, and it got worse once I sobered up a bit and woke up. But I'm glad that I got to stop… thinking about it so much, at least for a while. I think I can cope with it, with time. And I needed it, so thank you for being with me.”

 

“Always. You've got me, James.”

 

“I know.” Sirius cupped his face and gave him a forehead kiss, then pulled him into a hug. “Love you,” mumbled James, squeezing him tight.

 

“Me too.”

 

James let out a deep sigh, then another, and he tried to take calming breaths. Something he always used to tell Sirius to do when he was having nightmares about his parents, and what he had to do quite often now, after what had happened.

 

Sirius knew James better than anyone in the world, so he knew immediately that James hadn't told him everything. He looked worried and tired, he had black circles under his eyes and looked overall sick. It was an awful look, because James Potter's face was almost always full of light and smiles and happiness, but now it looked like a face of an old man.

 

“You can tell me everything, you know that, right?” He squeezed James' hand and gave him a little smile.

 

“It's just that… I keep seeing her everywhere. It's driving me crazy and there's nothing… There's nothing I can do, Padfoot. I can't make her not dead, I can't make myself forget about her, I can't make that fucking pain go away, and I can't stop spinning in this circle of grief and guilt and regrets… It's too much, Sirius. Too fucking much.”

 

James cried quite often. He cried when he was happy or surprised, he cried when he laughed too hard, he cried when he read the paper and something made him sad or angry. He cried when his friends struggled and he cried when he felt overwhelmed by all of his feelings that just couldn't fit into one person all the time.

 

But this time, the tears that were running down his cheeks were ones of mourning and hopelessness and incredible grief. He didn't wipe them off. Instead, he let them fall down his face and he let Sirius take him in his arms and just hold him, and he let himself be reminded that yes, her life had ended, and yes, he is allowed to feel like this and that he's not alone. He can make this. He's got family, he's got friends. _He's not alone._

 

“I love you, James. And she did too. That matters, that she loved you and that you loved her, and that she lived. You must remember it. I miss her, too. She wouldn't want for you to forget about your own life because you're mourning.”

 

“I know. I'll try to remember… Thank you.” James' voice was weak and he didn't open his eyes just yet. Sirius didn't let go of him, he let James cry in his arms and he let his own tears fall freely.  When James stopped crying and the two of them just laid there, Sirius flicked his wand to close the curtains, then he put on some silly TV show and kept the volume low, just a comforting sound in the background.

 

While stroking James' hair, his mind wandered off to Sam. She and James met when James started working at St Mungo's. She worked there at the time, but shortly after that started her career in the Ministry. They didn't stop seeing each other though, and it didn't take them long to slowly fall in love with each other. At first both of them tried to hide their feelings. Sam was loud and funny and fierce, her personality in many ways similar to James', but it was their differences that allowed them to work so perfectly.  It was no surprise when she and James finally got together, and after some time she practically lived in their apartment.

 

It was two years into their relationship that she got promoted at work and started going on missions. She gathered information about the underground group of wizards that were suspected of planning to take over the wizarding world, and she kept this part of her job a secret from everyone. It was a huge shock when a Ministry employee came flooed into their flat one night to explain to them that Samantha Abott was no longer alive.

 

James was angry at first. He was angry at the Ministry for putting her in such danger, angry at her for not telling him and for risking so much, angry at himself for not being able to put a stop to it. He learned that she was killed by one of the wizards who called themselves Death Eaters, and that the Ministry had, thanks to the information she and a few others gathered, taken them all down. Their leader, Tom Riddle, was put in Azkaban and was later, along with his followers, sentenced for a Dementor's Kiss.

 

The funeral of Sam and three other employees that worked on the mission had been a few weeks ago, and James had never felt so alone. He had his parents by his side, along with Sirius and all of their friends, and while the whole wizarding world was celebrating being safe again, he was mourning the death of the woman who risked her life for their safety, and whom he loved with his whole heart.

 

After that, he and James had moved to the muggle part of London, in an apartment that didn't remind them of her so painfully.

…

A few months later, Sirius found himself in the small café hidden in the quiet part of London. He was waiting for Marlene who was supposed to be there half an hour ago.  She’d said she knew a woman they went to school with that could help him put his work out in the world, to both muggles and wizards.

 

He hadn't chosen a wizarding job for himself after graduation, instead, he did what he always wished to be doing and became an artist. His hands were constantly covered in paint and he scribbled on every piece of paper he could find, and since his friends wouldn't shut up about him trying to start selling his work, he reached out to Marlene, whom he knew would know _someone_ —she always did.

 

Moments later, Marlene bumped into the café, dragging a rather small redhead behind her. She quickly found where Sirius was sat and so she waved him excitedly and made her way to his table, still not letting go of the other woman.

 

“I'm so late, I know. Merlin, this traffic is killing me. How do you manage that all the time? It's worse than the Knight Bus, honestly. Oh, this is…” Her speaking was so fast and loud that the whole café was now looking at them, and Sirius was just glad that the term Knight Bus wasn't specific enough to be concerned about.

 

He glanced at the redhead while she spoke and his eyes widened in shock.

 

“I'm Lily Evans. But he knows that.” She had a wide grin on her face, her face a little rounder than he remembered, and with more freckles than he could count.

 

“Evans? Am I dreaming?” She snorted at the use of her surname and scowled at him playfully.

“Still the same git as always.” It took them only seconds before they were crushing each other in a tight hug, Lily being just a tiny tad smaller than Sirius (which was a rather unusual thing in the first place).

 

Marlene was grinning devilishly, already ordering them all a coffee from a rather curvy, dark-skinned waitress with an undercut and a mop of curls on the top of her head who seemed to be very interested in Marlene. She gave her a wink on her way to the counter and scored a look at flushed Marlene—something that was very unusual since she was the one who always got girls blushing.

 

“So, how come you’re are an art agent now? Got tired of magical creatures already?” He knew that Lily wanted to work in the Ministry back at Hogwarts, and was surprised to find out that she was now doing something entirely else.

 

“Well, those heartless bags of shit who called themselves my coworkers couldn't handle my opinions and I couldn't handle theirs. Most of them are just stuck-up, close-minded, spoilt pureblood prats who think that they can own everyone and everything. Not worth my time, sincerely said. So I quit and here Marlene helped me get this job. With a few charms here and there I got into higher position--I'm good at it though, trust me. That's why I'm doing it.”

 

“I'm counting on it.”

 

“So, when will you show me your works? I was thinking that Marlene could schedule us a…. Marlene?” She expected to find her sitting by her side, but Marlene was still by the counter, talking to the waitress and probably trying to get her number.

 

“Ugh, I swear to Merlin, she's unbelievable… Okay, moving on. You pick a date, I'll tell you if I'm free.”

“Well…” he didn't have to think hard, or not at all, really. He had time whenever he liked, his only thing to do was painting and that's why Lily was there.

 

“What about tomorrow?”

 

“Sounds perfect, actually. I've got a meeting in the morning but I'll be free around noon. Works for you?”

 

“Perfectly. I'll give you an address and you can come muggle way—or if you prefer, we've got a floo as well. Or apparate, I don't really care either way.”

 

“Who's we?” She grinned, leaning in closer.

 

“Guess. You'll be oh so pleased to hear that.” She frowned for a while and then her eyes widened.

“Don't tell me you still live with that git Potter!”

 

“Right as always. Though he's not that much of a git now, you know. He's all grown up, works at St.Mungo's. Actually…” He thought about the state James was at lately, and though it was getting better, he was still not being his usual cheerful self.

 

“He's going through a tough time now, so… I'm not sure whether he'll be there when you visit.” His voice got quieter and more worried, but he tried not to let that show on his face.

 

“I…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound rude.” She smiled apologetically, but didn't ask more, respecting James' privacy.

 

“That's alright. He really was a git back at school. And I was too, I must admit.”

 

“Oh, yes, that you were. Along with Pettigrew. I heard he moved to Wales a few years ago.”

 

“Yes, I haven't heard from him since Hogwarts. He sends an owl occasionally but that's about it.”

 

“He was definitely the nicest one of you lot.”

 

“Yeah, right. People viewed him as the innocent one, but he was the one who always found a way for us to get away with majority of stuff. And he befriended all the house elves in the kitchens so that they could give us snacks whenever we liked.”

 

“Now I regret not being friends with you back at school.” She laughed, glancing at the clock and then back at him.

 

“I've got to go, but it was, surprisingly, really nice to see you again. Tell Potter I said hi. If you're okay with that, I'll come by floo tomorrow.”

 

“Sure. Marlene will…”

 

“I've already sent her the address.” Marlene appeared out of nowhere with a smug grin on her face. “I'm leaving too, actually, so see you later. Sirius, don't forget about Monday. Bye-bye!” She waved at them from the door and before any of them could wave back, she was long gone.

 

Shaking her head and chuckling, Lily turned back at Sirius and lifted her arms to him.

 

“Still as much of a hug-lover or was it just a haven't-seen-you-in-ages kind of excitement?”

 

He didn't answer, just snorted and squeezed her once again.

 

“See you tomorrow.”

…

When he came back home, he found James wasn’t there, which was normal these days. It wasn't that James was distancing himself, but he preferred to order his thoughts alone. He went for a run whenever he felt overwhelmed, and Sirius was, as always, there for him.

 

It was hard for both of them, but they were getting by, and Sirius knew that James would appreciate the possible beginning of his artistic career.

 

Seeing that he had nothing to do, he went downstairs into the garage where he was hiding his Beauty, the old bike he bought as a sixteen-years-old as a way of rebelling. He’d even made a few charms on to make it fly. He couldn’t take it out in the muggle London, but he still liked to ride it through the busy streets, or just working on it when he felt like it.  That was the case now, and so he took out all of his equipment and lost himself in the manual work.

 

A few hours later, when he could no longer ignore the hunger, he put everything back in place and returned upstairs, happy to be able to smell something delicious from the kitchen.

 

“Jamie?” he called, putting off his jacket and trying to guess what was he cooking.

 

“In the kitchen,” called a muffled voice, and Sirius delightedly walked in.

 

“What are we having?”

 

“Parmesan chicken with roasted veggies.”

 

“Mmm, healthy.”

 

“We can't eat pizza every other day.” James rolled his eyes, then sent Sirius away from the kitchen and ordered him not to come in again. (Your pouting is ruining my concentration, Padfoot! You're behaving like a hungry dog.)

 

He went to take a shower and then put on Star Wars, waiting for James. When he arrived with two plates, they snuggled under the blanket and watched together.

 

“How did the meeting go?” Sirius was too caught up in the movie and only reacted when James nudged him with his elbow.

 

“Oh? Er, yeah, good. Great, actually. The art agent is coming over yesterday. You wouldn't guess who it is.” Expecting James to actually try to guess, he was looking at him expectantly until he sighed under James' bewildered look.

 

“Alright. It was Evans. Remember? Evans, the girl you tried to impress by being a major jerk? Evans, whom you asked out in third year a minute after she almost slapped you? Ring any bells?”

 

“Prat,” he snickered, pushing him away. “That was ages ago. We got on just fine ever since sixth year. But wait, wasn't she working in the Ministry?”

 

“I thought so too, but she said they were all major shitheads and so she left and reached out to Marlene. Now she's doing this, and she swears she's good.”

 

“Mm. I can imagine her doing that, you know. The Ministry is… er. Well, I can't imagine her working there. The place is filled with idiots and she's just better than that.”

 

“Yeah. Will you be there tomorrow? She'll come around noon or so.”

 

“Oh yes. I'd love to meet her again. For old times' sake.”

 

Sirius grinned, but didn't say anything.

 

“Great. Now let me watch the movie. I want to see what happens.”

 

“You've seen it a hundred times! You know what happens!”

 

“Yeah, but I wanna _see_ it! Now shush.” James was still shaking his head as Sirius cuddled to his side, mouthing the words as the characters spoke.

 

The next day Sirius was choosing the works he wanted to show Lily, which was a lot harder than he originally thought.

 

“Just show her all of them. They're all amazing and you know that. And it's her job to decide which ones are worth the showing.”

 

“The showing? We haven't even talked about anything like that yet. What if she says all of it is horrible and I end up looking like a fool?”

 

“You're worrying too much. Look at me. Just breathe and leave it be for now. You're an artist and your art is beautiful and it'll be just fine.”

 

“Yeah. Okay. Okay.” He smiled a little but still felt a little sick.

 

When Lily finally arrived, the feeling hadn’t quite left him, but it was getting better. She and James got along perfectly, all of their childhood grudges long forgotten. It was like they were back in seventh year, dreaming about their futures and not caring about the world.

 

He decided to trust James and let Lily browse through all of his art. She was quiet most of the time, and had a concentrating look on her face. He didn't know what she was thinking and when he couldn't stand it any longer, he let out a frustrated growl.

 

“Could you please tell me what you think? It's driving me crazy.” One look at him changed Lily's concentrated expression into a smirk.

 

“Nervous? Oh come on, it's amazing. I'm actually really into your art style and I was thinking which ones should go to your upcoming showing.”

 

“Amazing? Showing? I…really?” He was usually confident about everything, but his art was something so personal and important to him that hearing Lily say that meant a lot to him.

 

“Really.” She smiled gently now, lifting a few of his artworks. “I like these the most, I think. The sketches are brilliant, but what you create with colours is just utterly beautiful. This one,” she showed him an abstract piece he's been working on for months before it was finished, “is filled with so many emotions. You're really good, Sirius, and I'm telling you this with all honesty.” He smiled at her, the tension finally leaving him.

 

“I'll reach out to some people and we'll see about the showing. I have a feeling that you'll have much more of those in the future.”

 

“Thank you, Lily. This… It means a lot.”

 

“I know, I know, I'm awesome.”

 

They spent a few more minutes browsing through his art, and while listening to Lily talking about the paintings; he was pleased to find out that someone understood them in a way he didn't think was possible. She was able to see the hidden emotions in the trays of brushes and the shadows and it was obvious that she had the same passion for art as he did.”

 

“Have you tried painting stuff yourself?”

 

She chuckled at that, shaking her head. “Trust me, I'm way better at this than at attempting to even sketch something myself.”

 

When Lily was leaving, she looked at James who was splayed on the couch in the kitchen and couldn't help a laugh that escaped her lips. “Merlin, James, you're such a nerd. Honestly?” She was pointing at his Marvel T-shirt which Sirius knew he owned a bunch of.

 

Lily was laughing even more when she showed them her bag that had an Iron Man logo on it. “Seems like there's two of us.” She grinned when James' eyes widened.

 

“Now who's the nerd here?” Before they could lose themselves in a long, nerdy talk, Lily waved them goodbye and gave each of them a tight hug before flooing out of their home.

 

When she left, Sirius turned around and was startled when he saw James' smile crackling and the tears gathering in his eyes, ready to fall down his face.

 

“Jamie? What…” He was quickly by his side, and a quiet sob escaped James' lips. He didn't say anything, and Sirius held him until the shaking of James' body stopped.

 

Sirius waited, still holding onto James, who was taking deep breaths and still not opening his eyes.

“Love, what's wrong?” He tried to sound soothing, but the fear was creeping into his voice. He thought it was getting better, and he mentally screamed at himself. What if James was just suffering in silence?

 

“It's… God, it's stupid. Not…” He sighed, pulling himself away but still touching Sirius.

 

“I liked Lily, back at Hogwarts. Thought about asking her out again in seventh, but I didn't wanna ruin what we had. Didn't want her to think I was the same jerk as before. So I didn't. And we were friends. And then I met Sam… and… fell in love. And it was real, it was, I didn't think about Lily for years. But when I saw her today, I… I saw what I used to see when I looked at her before. And she's different, but also isn't… and I feel like I'm somehow betraying Sam and I can't… can't…” His voice was quiet and shaking, and the tears started falling down his face again.

 

Sirius bit his lip and then cupped James' face, turning his face gently so that he would look at him.

“James. You're not betraying Sam. Even if you found someone else. Even if that someone was Lily. It doesn't matter. If it makes you happy… that's all I'd ever want for you, and I know that she wanted that, too.”

 

“But I don't… It was just an old feeling. I don't even know Lily, it's not about…” he looked at Sirius and didn't finish the sentence, knowing that he understood him.

 

“Come back here.” He picked up the blanket and tucked them both in, kissing James' temple.

 

“Hold me,” James whispered, so quietly that it could have been just a breath.

 

“Always.”

…

It was a little over a month later when Lily called him to announce that the art show will be held in a small gallery in the centre of London in just a few weeks. First they both screamed and then he burst out laughing, which led to tears of happiness. He _was_ happy, he really was. They managed all the formalities and agreed on a meeting in a few days, but Lily wanted to celebrate first.

 

“Don't tell me that this doesn't deserve a party?” She was right, of course. It will be just the five of them, Sirius, James, Lily, Marlene and Dorcas—the pretty waitress that was now dating Marlene.

They agreed to go and check out some clubs, then go to Marlene's since she had the biggest flat of them all.

 

James was pretty excited, and he couldn't stop talking about the showing.  “I'm so fucking proud of you,” he kept telling Sirius while he was giving him the tightest hug after he told him the news.

 

In those last weeks since Lily came around for the first time, they’d spent a lot of time together and it wasn't unusual that she crashed on their sofa. James still had his moments when he felt guilty, but it was obvious that he was getting better. Lily was an amazing friend and both he and Sirius were glad to welcome her in their life again.  He still kept his distance but wasn't so scared of liking her as in the beginning. Sirius wasn't sure if he was finally allowing himself a little piece of happiness, but he sure hoped so. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was James.

 

The night of their celebration, the mood was cheerful and filled with hope. Sirius felt like he could fly if he wanted to, and all of his friends were there for him, supporting him in doing what he loved.

They tried a few clubs but settled in the small but nice one that had great music and wasn't so loud or filled with smoke as others. The first ones to go off to the dance floor were, of course, Marlene and Dorcas. The rest of them went to the bar and they ordered beers.

 

James was smiling and seemed okay, but Sirius still worried, though he didn't let it show.

“Why do they always have shitty beers in places like this?” Lily made a face but shrugged and continued to sip on it, seeing that the other two didn't seem to mind.

 

“We got used to it, I think. You start loving the taste over time,” Sirius said with a grin, though he too didn't really like it.

 

“I hope so. Ugh, I wanna dance! I haven't been out in weeks.” She glanced at James who laughed and went with her. “Sirius?” She asked, but he shook his head, pointing at his unfinished beer.

“I'll join you later. Have fun.”

 

Still grinning, he continued to drink and allowed himself to fully realise the happiness he felt. His life seemed to finally be heading in the direction he wanted it to, and it felt content, safe, even though he didn't know what was next. Maybe the showing will be a disaster. Maybe he'll decide to start doing something else later. But right now, it felt amazing, and he let himself memorise the feeling.

 

A few songs later, Marlene and James pulled him on the dance floor, and the three of them danced like crazy. Lily was sitting at the bar and Dorcas joined them later, though she and Marlene ended up going out for a while.

 

“This is your night,” James shouted, and though his voice got lost in the noise, Sirius understood.

He nodded, and they danced like they always did—like two parts of a whole.

 

They got thirsty soon and so they made their way back to the bar where Lily was ordering them another round of beers.

 

“You two dance like crazy! I mean, holy shit, when did you learn that? McGonagall's dancing lessons for Yule Ball surely didn't cover that.” Bursting out in laughter when remembering the awkward lessons, they shook their heads in unison.

 

“I don't even know,” James began. “We must be natural talents.”

 

“Sure. What aren't you a natural talent at, Potter?” She winked at him, grinning widely and James tilted his head to the left.

 

“Can't think of anything,” he shrugged and let Lily playfully shove him. Then her eyes wandered to the barman who was carrying their drinks, but he put them in front of the bloke sitting a few stools away from them before she could get his attention. Sighing, she stood up and went to ask the guy for the drinks. He didn't seem to notice her at first—he's been sitting with his head on the bar—but when he glanced at her, something happened.

 

Sirius looked at them and froze in his spot. The bloke Lily was talking to was Remus, but what was worse was that his whole face was widened in shock, and then he fell on the ground, covering his face and mumbling indistinctly.  

 

Lily was too shocked to move, but James appeared by her side. When he looked at Remus, he didn't seem to recognise him. Sirius moved without even being aware of it, and soon he was kneeling in front of Remus, listening to what he was saying. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please no, no, no. Please!” He kept repeating that, and he didn't react when Sirius shook him. He was like in a trance.

 

“We should get him out of here,” James said, looking at Lily who nodded and then at Sirius.

 

Sirius didn't know what to think, his brain wasn't working right and he tried to focus, everything got blurry. He must have nodded, too, because he realised that he and James were carrying Remus and leading him out of the club.

 

Remus didn't protest, but he didn't move either and so all of his weight was on the two of them.  He kept repeating the words and once they were out, he opened his eyes, then leaned against the wall and looked around frantically. His eyes landed on Sirius and he froze, but then James was the one that spoke.

 

“Are you alright, mate? We got you out, you fell and…” James stopped talking when Remus didn't even lift his eyes from Sirius, whose mouth was in a thin line and who wasn't looking back at him.

 

A few seconds passed before Remus looked at James. “I… sorry. Thank you for helping me, I…” He took in a breath and tried to give him a thankful smile, but then he noticed Lily who was standing next to James and his face paled again. He shut his eyes and lost his balance again, but this time it was Sirius' hand that steadied him.

 

“Alright?” he asked, though he felt as though his mouth was full of ashes.

 

“Yeah, I… you,” he glanced at Lily but quickly looked away. “You just reminded me of someone… Someone I once knew.” He swallowed, trying to stand straight but he didn't seem to be able to walk.

 

That's when Sirius noticed how extremely thin Remus looked, how his cheekbones were almost cutting through his face and the clothes hung on him, making him look smaller.  He tried to think rationally, to come up with some idea what to do, but when he looked at Remus, he wanted to help him. He wanted to ask him why he left.  He wanted to know where he'd been and why he looked like death. He also wanted to shout at him and then at himself for thinking all that, because he had no right to feel like this. Remus never promised him anything.

 

“If you need help or a place to stay… Are you sure you’re okay?” Lily's eyes absentmindedly wandered to his shabby clothes and too-thin frame.

 

“You've helped me. I can't ask you to do more. Thank you.” Remus moved away but then fell on his knees, holding his side.

 

James rushed to him and his eyes widened when he spotted a huge dark spot that was getting bigger quickly.  “You're bleeding. You need help, now.” He had the look of a healer on his face, and Sirius knew that he was trying to figure out a way to get “the stranger” away from the street. They apparated there so they didn't have a car, and it might have been too slow anyway.

 

“I must have ripped the stitches… when I fell. I'm alright, I just need to get…” Remus was mumbling, and he would have fallen headfirst to the sidewalk if James hadn't caught him. Sirius knelt down again and saw that Remus looked like passing out.

 

“Maybe he wouldn't notice if we…” Lily mouthed the word 'apparated', and James looked at Sirius, biting his lip.

 

“He'll bleed out if we leave him. I can help him more than the mugg-… than the doctors could.”  He stood up, taking Remus with him. That's when Remus mumbled again. “Just need my wand… think I dropped it…”

 

Then he passed out, and Sirius' eyes widened. He searched the sidewalk and spotted a wand next to the wall. He picked it up and showed it to James. “Let's apparate him to ours.” James nodded, and all four of them disappeared into the night.

 

Once they were in their apartment, it was all very quick. Lily and Sirius sat in the kitchen while James was working, hearing occasional curses from time to time.  No words were spoken between the two of them, and Sirius made every attempt to stop the mingling thoughts that were rushing through his head.   Should he feel angry? Betrayed? Worried? He didn't know, and the lack of control of the situation was making him feel sick. He shook his head when Lily asked him if he wanted some tea, not being able to swallow anything right now. He only lifted his head when James appeared in the kitchen, his brows furrowed and expression rather worried.

 

“Is he all right?” he rasped, surprised at the concerned sound of his voice.

 

James nodded, but looked away, back at the man lying on their sofa.

 

“He's asleep now, I gave him some potions so that his body can heal properly. But I'm afraid it won't be enough… none of the spells I tried worked on those wounds, and he's got dozens of older ones, majority of them already scars. This one, though, was fresh, maybe two days old. The stitches were muggle but I have a feeling he did them himself, being that they were highly unprofessional.”

 

Sighing, he sat down and pinched the bridge of his nose, then looked up at them. “Whatever those wounds come from, it's magical. I couldn't heal them completely but he'll be alright in a few hours.” He smiled thankfully at Lily who passed him the mug and then sipped on his tea, thinking rapidly.

 

“What are the odds,” Lily said, frowning. “That we meet a wizard in a shitty muggle club, who happens to be cut to shreds and almost passes out when he sees me. I mean. That sounds like too much of an accident.”

 

Sirius found out that he couldn't say anything. There was a lump in his throat that wouldn’t go away, and all the new information was making his head spin. He realised that he hasn't been paying attention for a while, because both Lily and James were looking at him when he opened his eyes, seemingly worried.

 

“Sirius? Do you… Are you okay?” James reached out his hand and he took it, smiling softly.

 

“Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little shocked.” He felt the gentle squeeze on his hand and squeezed back, then James asked, “What about him? He obviously can't go anywhere now but I think I'll stay here, with him. He might wake up and be pretty confused, and besides, it's still a stranger.”

 

“No,” Sirius heard himself say, and he cleared his throat. “I'll stay. You look tired as hell, Jamie. Lily can take my bed—if you want to stay, that is. I won't be able to sleep anyway.” After a few attempts to argue, James finally agreed and both Lily and he headed to bed.

 

Sirius walked to the sofa quietly, then moved into the chair next to it and dared to look at Remus. He was covered with a blanket, shirtless, with a gauze on the leaking wound. His eyes travelled up to his face, and he was again surprised to see how much the other man has changed since he last saw him. His face was an ill-looking shade of grey, the circles under his eyes dark and deep. This sick, starved man was nothing like the one he had met all those months ago, and yet he could still see what enthralled him about him. He startled when Remus' face frowned and he let out a deep sigh, but when nothing else happened and his breathing evened, Sirius dared to move again.

 

What he’d told James was true—he had a little to no chance of falling asleep, but he didn't know what else to do. His thoughts were tiring him and he found himself tracing every single part of Remus with his eyes, memorising the night they spent together which made him feel both hurt and happy. He couldn't stop thinking about the mystery that was Remus—at least _that_ much he’d known since the beginning. He wanted to ask him all of those things that bugged him, but he was afraid that the second Remus opens his eyes, he would stand up and leave.

 

Whether it were only minutes or hours that passed until he saw Remus' eyes opening, Sirius didn't know. What mattered was that now, without anyone else near, their eyes were locked and he couldn't think of any words to speak.  Remus turned his face to the gauze and made a face, then attempted to sit up which ended up in a hiss of pain, and Sirius' hand pushing him firmly to the sofa.

 

“What the hell do think you're doing?” He frowned and didn't let go until he was sure that Remus wouldn't try to sit up again.

 

“I thought…”

 

“What? That Jamie patched you up just so that you can kill yourself while walking out of here? Sure.” He snorted and again, avoided Remus' eyes. Instead he stared at the spot just above his shoulder, still frowning.

 

Remus cleared his throat, but lay still. “I'm sorry.”

 

Sirius looked up at him furiously, but didn't say anything. He was waiting for an explanation, but that didn't come.

 

“What are you sorry for, exactly? For disappearing on me that night? For not being arsed to even say something to me? For forgetting to mention you're a wizard? I'm curious, which one is it, Remus? Is that even your real name?” He didn't intend to break, but once he put off the steady mask, it was difficult to hide his emotions.

 

Remus held his gaze, but his lip was twitching. He let out a long-suffering sigh and took a shaky breath. “All of those things. I can't give you a better explanation than that it was necessary. I can't ask you to believe me, but I really didn't mean to do that to you.” Sirius knew better than to simply accept that excuse, but he could hear that Remus was genuinely sorry. Or that he was a very good liar.

 

“What happened to you?” he asked, feeling too hurt to continue in the conversation. It was doing no good to any of them right now.

 

“Oh. Do you mean in the club, or..?” He glanced at the gauze and quickly back up again.

 

Sirius didn't answer, but tilted his head to the side. “Why did you freak out when you saw Lily there?” He saw Remus flinch, and felt a wave of guilt wash over him, but he ignored it.

 

“She… Her eyes, that look, I… “ His eyes were firmly shut again, so Sirius gave up. “Look, you don't have to talk about it. You should get some sleep if you want to heal.”

 

But Remus shook his head and carefully tried to get into a more upright position. Sirius put a cushion under Remus so that he was somewhat-sitting, and then sat on the armrest of the sofa, its whole length between them.

 

“It's a long story, I'm afraid. But you deserve some answers, at least. That is, if you want to hear it?” he made the last sentence sound like a question, and Sirius nodded, giving him a glimpse of a smile.

 

Remus closed his eyes and smiled. “Her name was Lyanna. She didn't look much like your friend, but there was something about her that just made it seem like all those years ago… Lyanna was six when she died, though. She was my sister.”   At the word 'died' he flinched again, and a thought crossed Sirius' mind that he maybe hadn't talked about it with another person before, but he shook that off as ridiculous.

 

“I'm sorry,” he said quietly, and he meant it. He wasn't heartless, of course he felt sorry for Remus. No one deserved something like that.

 

“Thank you. It was a long time ago, I was thirteen, I think. But the thing… the thing is, it was _my fault_.”

When Sirius looked at Remus now, he saw a much older man dealing with enormous grief and guilt. He wanted to reach out and touch him, comfort him, to somehow put an end to his misery, but he did nothing.  “What do you mean? How was it your fault?”

 

“She tried to help me… to heal me after… an accident. With magic. But she was so young, too young, she couldn't control it and when she used the spell it…” He looked away and swallowed, seeing it all again. “There was white light everywhere, and a loud crack. Then I heard her body falling to the floor. And I screamed. Alone, for hours before _he_ … Sorry, I…” He was shaking his head, unable to say more, and he clutched at his sides, not caring about the wound anymore. Sirius knew the position way too well.

 

_Holding onto yourself… as if it could keep you from falling apart…_

 

Not saying a word, he stood up and sat close to Remus, then, careful of the wound, put his arms around him and held him tight.

 

“Sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to talk about it. I'm sorry. It's alright… you're alright now.” He knew his words meant nothing, but the way Remus was gripping on him as if his life depended on it made him keep saying them, made him not to let go and let Remus sob into his shirt until he was calm enough to breathe.

 

They were sitting there in a tight hug, but they didn't move. Sirius felt an ache in his heart for Remus, all of his feelings crushing together, pulsing, mingling inside him, making him even more confused.

 

“Thank you,” Remus breathed out and then let go of his arm; they pulled off but still sat close.

“I've never really… talked about it before. And tonight, it all came rushing back. I'm not usually such a mess.”

 

“Not once? All those years, you kept it inside?”

 

Remus nodded, looking tired and in pain.

 

“Now you really need to get some rest. James would be mad at me if he knew I'm keeping you up.”

 

“Does he know?” Sirius shook his head, his eyes wandering to the stairs.

 

“No. He'd probably be less… caring, if he knew. He kind of hates you after seeing me that morning. I've not dated or anything for a while and I thought… Well, let's say that the small number of relationships I've had in the past were not healthy. James got me out of loads of messes and he's… protective.” After listening to such a private part of Remus' life, he didn't find it hard to talk to him. He still felt hurt and betrayed, but none of what happened that night made much sense to him anyway.

 

“That's… I never, _never_ wanted to make you feel hurt. The reason I left was actually to keep you safe. To not hurt you more. I…” Remus seemed like he wanted to say more, but he kept quiet, his jaw tensing.

 

“Let's not do this tonight,” Sirius said, tired of all the angst.

 

“I can't think, and you were bleeding a few hours ago, and you look like you haven't slept in weeks,” he said, looking at the dark circles under Remus' eyes.

 

“Okay. Okay, I think you're right. What about the morning, will you tell James? I'm not asking you not to, I'd just like to know.”

 

He thought about it for a while, then shook his head. “No. At least not tomorrow, or while you're here.” Remus nodded again, and Sirius got up, walking to the stairs. When he turned around, Remus was laying on the sofa, looking at the ceiling.

 

He said nothing, but didn't go upstairs, knowing that Lily was probably sleeping in his bed. Instead, he sat on the stairs, watching the sunrise and trying not to think about anything at all.

Not even realising that he'd fallen asleep in the first place, Sirius was startled when he woke up at the sound of his name. He opened his eyes quickly and focused on James who was shaking his shoulder slightly, leaning above him and looking worried.

 

“Si? Hey, let's get you to bed, alright? Your back will hurt as hell if you stay here like that.” James reached out a hand and helped him get up, and Sirius, still a bit confused from the sleep, followed him to his bedroom.

 

Then he remembered why he was on the stairs in the first place.

 

“Wait, Jamie… Remus, is he okay?” He was mumbling and yawned mid-sentence, which brought a deeper frown to James' face.

 

“Yes. We've just talked and then he disapparated. He told me to let you sleep for a bit, that you must be tired since the two of you talked at night and that you explained to him where he is and what happened.” James was looking at him funny, but Sirius' mind kept repeating the word _disapparated_.

So he disappeared on him again. He left him, again.

 

When he didn't say anything for a while, James lifted a brow and sighed.

 

“He also asked me to tell you that he'd like to meet you tomorrow. And asked me for your number.”

 

Sirius opened his mouth, then closed it, trying to guess whether James knew all of it already.

 

He didn't have to think for long, the look on Jamie's face said it all.

 

“Did he tell you?” He rasped, leaning against the wall. James shook his head, joining him.

 

“No. I figured it out. He seemed kind of familiar, you know… Then I saw the way you looked at him, and it started making sense.”

 

Another minute of silence had passed, and Sirius had no intention to say anything more. He didn't know what he would say, anyway. This whole situation was making him confused.

 

“Are you okay, Sirius? Talk to me. You don't have to explain, just… let me know how you feel, please.”

He chuckled, then let out a sigh. “I don't know. Yes. No. Fuck, Jamie.” He shut his eyes, trying to come up with something.

 

James kept silent, giving him a space to either speak or leave it.

 

He decided that he couldn't keep it all in anymore. He just couldn't.

 

“I know he hurt me, okay? I do know that, and I haven't forgiven him. Or maybe I have, I don't know. That's not important right now, he… There's something about him, Jamie. I trust him. I don't know why, he might be the biggest liar in the world for all I know, but I do. He'd… told me some stuff, things about himself, about what happened in the bar and I just… in that moment, all I wanted to do was just hold him close and never let go, and I wanted to make him stop hurting because it broke my heart to see him that way. And he didn't explain to me why he left, but he was honest about that since the beginning. He said that he couldn't explain, that he had left to keep me safe. That he didn't want to hurt me even more and I… What do I do, Jamie? What the fuck should I do?”

 

“I can't tell you what to do, Sirius. But I know that whatever your decision will be, you'll do just fine. If you decide to never see him again, okay. If you go meet him tomorrow and realise that you just can't do it, okay. If you go there and decide to stay then well… I'll be here for you. I'm with you, and it's up to you whether you give him a chance or not.”

 

He thought about it for a minute, analysed his options and tried to look at the situation with his mind clear.  “I want to go. I want to see him. I want to believe that what he'd said to me is true.” He felt relieved, saying it aloud. It's been bugging him a fair amount of time.

 

“Okay,” James said, smiling, though the smile hadn't reached his eyes. “I'll be worried about you. I always am. But I also believe that you know what you're doing.”

 

“Yeah. I hope I know that, too.”

The next day, while he was browsing through his drawings and humming along to Here Comes The Sun on the radio, his phone rang. He glanced at the screen and didn't recognise the number, then remembered about what James has said—that he had given Remus his number.

 

He took a shaky breath, thinking about his decision again. A few more seconds into the ringing, he picked the phone up.

 

“Hallo?”

 

“Sirius? Hi, it's… it's me. Remus.” There was a short moment of quiet after that, and Sirius didn't intend on breaking it first.

 

“Look, I'm not expecting you to forget about everything or to start trusting me again… but I really want to talk to you. I want to see you again.”

 

“Okay,” he said, his voice quiet but firm. “Okay, we can meet.”

 

“Oh. I, great, that's great. Um, will you be free in an hour? Where would you like to go?”

 

They agreed on a café that Remus have never been to, but he knew where it was so they'll meet there. _No more clubs_ , Sirius thought while picking out an outfit. He settled on a pair of ripped, black jeans and a white V-neck shirt.

 

He decided to get there a bit early, if only to steady himself and regain some composure. He didn't order anything and he glanced at the clock occasionally.

 

Remus arrived five minutes earlier than they agreed on, and he gave Sirius a surprised smile when he spotted him from the doors. While he was making his way over to the table, Sirius could see that even though he still looked very thin, his skin was no longer as pale and the circles under his eyes were less alarming. It looked like he got a good, long sleep.

 

“Hey,” Sirius said when Remus was close enough and he gestured him to sit. Remus smiled at him again but didn't look at him et. He was biting his lip and taking deep breaths, and Sirius was watching him with blank expression.

 

The sudden tension was broken when the waiter approached them and they placed their orders.

“I'll have a hazelnut latte, please. With cinnamon on top, and double whipped cream.” The waiter nodded and looked at Remus, who looked like he was trying to think of something to order but then just sighed and said, “I'll have the same, thank you.”

 

Once the waiter was gone, Sirius chuckled and Remus gave him a look.

 

“What?” he asked, his lips forming into a smile.

 

“Nothing. Just that I'd guess you for a black coffee type.”

 

“Oh, I am that, usually. Thought I'll try something new though.” He lifted his eyes and smiled at Sirius for real, and it kind of sounded like he meant more with those words than just that.

 

Their lattes arrived, and they sipped them in silence, but not the awkward kind. It felt nice, but the hot tension in Sirius' chest that was growing was becoming too much. There were things floating between them, unsaid words and unanswered questions, and he wanted the mystery to end. He wanted the truth.

 

“May I ask you something?” Remus asked, putting the latte down. He fidgeted with a bracelet Sirius always saw him wear, and he seemed to be waiting for an answer.

 

“Oh,” Sirius blurted out, “yeah. Yes, go on.”

 

“Why have you come here today? Why did you agree to meeting me again?”

 

He thought about it for a while before answering. He’d asked that himself more than once, and he didn't want to lie.

 

“I want to be honest with you, okay? I'm not sure why I did. I probably shouldn't have. But the fact is, I wanted to. Look, I don't usually end up in bed with strangers, and I can't blame it on being drunk because I was fully aware of what I was doing. There's something about you, and at first I thought I just wanted to figure you out, you know? And it's not like I don't, but I also want to get to know you. I like you, and what you did hurt me, and I know that what you said later was true. That you didn't intend on hurting me. I believe you.”

 

It took Remus a while to respond, and Sirius could see another battle of emotions going on inside of him. Remus let out a shaky breath and looked him in the eyes. “I don't want to let you down again,” he said at last.

 

“Then don't,” Sirius replied, allowing himself to smile a bit.

 

“Could we… can we go for a walk?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded and they went to a counter to pay, then walked out of the café.

 

They started walking down the street, close but not really touching.

 

“What's the bracelet?” Sirius asked, touching it on Remus' wrist and not really letting go of his hand. Instead, he slowly entangled their fingers, ready to pull off if Remus was to protest, but he saw a corner of his mouth lifting.

 

“Take a look,” he said and lifted their joined hands. The bracelet was a simple maroon colour, and when he looked closer, he could see the golden letters as well. _Gryffindor_.

 

“But…” he stuttered, being absolutely sure that Remus wasn't attending Hogwarts while he was there.

 

“Lyanna made it for me when I turned eleven. She was so sad for me when I told her I won't be going to Hogwarts… I've known for a while, but the two of us were always playing at being sorted, or we pretended to have classes. I… She sorted me into Gryffindor once. And I told her she'd make a great Ravenclaw. Then she gave me this on the 1st of September. It was as if I was really going.” There was pain in his voice, but he was smiling.

 

“I should talk about her more,” he said, looking at Sirius. “I never did, and I feel like I'm betraying her. She'd not like to be forgotten.”

 

He wanted to offer comfort, but he felt like Remus didn't need that right now. Instead, he smiled and squeezed his hand.

 

“Gryffindor was my house, too. And James' and Lily's. You got the best house, you know.” That earned him a chuckle.

 

“Remus…” he said, wanting to ask so many questions, but not finding the right words. “I know you've said you can't give me all the answers. But if there's something you can give me, anything…” He felt Remus' body freeze next to him, and the two of them stood there, not moving. People were rushing around them, not even lifting their eyes.

 

“I want to tell you everything Sirius. I wish I could. I… ask me. Just ask me, and I'll do everything I can to give you an honest answer.” It was the best he would get, and Sirius decided to take it.

 

“Let's start with why haven't you gone to Hogwarts?” They started walking again, and Remus reached for his hand again, as if it was the most natural thing. Maybe it was.

 

“It's all the same thing. The reason why I never went, the reason why my sister died, the reason why I left that night. It's all the same. I'm… I'm ill. And it's nothing pretty. I wasn't allowed at Hogwarts as a child, and there was a good reason for it. The thing I have can make me… dangerous. The last thing I want is to hurt anyone, and that's why I never let myself have anything like...” he gestured at their joined hands, “this. I never thought I deserved it. I still don't but I thought that maybe…” he just shrugged, not finishing the sentence.

 

Sirius was looking at him in silence, but before Remus could say anything else, he grabbed him and pointed him away, into a less frequented part of the street.

 

“Listen, I know it's too much. You have no obligation to stay here right now, Sirius. You could just leave if you don't want to deal with this. I'll understand. God, what did I think…” he pulled his hand out and put it into his hair, shutting his eyes and breathing fast, but still managing to smile at him.

 

“Really, just…”

 

“Shut up,” Sirius said, and his voice was so firm, it surprised him, too. He reached up for Remus' hands and pulled them out of his hair, then looked him in the eyes, frowning, teeth clenched.

Remus' eyes were widened, and he was holding his breath. There was no battle on his face right now. His whole body was giving out the truth—for one second, he was an open book. He expected rejection, he was so sure it was coming, and when Sirius really looked at him, he could see how much he hated himself. It seemed like there wasn't that much hatred in the whole universe.

 

“Remus,” he said, speaking clearly and trying hard for his voice not to tremble. “I'm staying. Do you hear me? I'm staying right here. It's not… I don't care. I'm not leaving you.”

 

For a second he wasn't sure what was happening, but then he saw tears falling down Remus' face, soon followed by a quiet sob.

 

“Wait, just let me… I'll take us to mine, okay?” He hoped that the nod meant yes, and once he was sure there was no one around, he apparated them into his flat. They were alone, since James was at work still.

 

As soon as they arrived, Remus started shaking, and his legs almost gave out. Sirius motioned him to sit, and they stayed on the couch for a while. Remus tried to calm down, and Sirius told him to take deep breaths. No one had ever tried to calm him down… The only person who ever saw him cry was his father and the only reaction he gave him was disgust.

 

Sirius wasn't shouting at him, he wasn't disgusted with him, he didn't hate him. _He didn't hate him_. He held him until he could breathe again, and didn't let go even then.

 

“I… I think I'm okay now,” he whispered, not trusting himself to speak.

 

Sirius slowly let go of him. They sat next to each other, Remus leaning on his shoulder with Sirius' arms around him. He sat up, blinking the remaining tears out of his eyes and managing a shaky smile.

 

“Thank you.” He meant to say so much more, but he didn't have enough words in him right now. And he felt like Sirius understood.

 

Sirius felt like he could explode with all the emotions battling inside of him. He didn't know what to make out of it all, but he knew for sure that he's not letting go of Remus. He couldn't.

 

He opened his mouth to say something, but he breathed out instead. He put his hands on both sides of Remus' face, and he wiped the tear from his lips with his thumb.

 

“What if…” Remus started, but Sirius shook his head. “No, let me speak,” Remus tried again. “If this ever gets too much… if you decide you can't do this. No, hear me out. You said you don't mind, and I believe you, but you don't know what you're talking about. Just. Know that you don't have to keep this up any longer than you feel comfortable. You don't even have to tell me. You giving me a chance is so much more than I could have hoped for.”

 

Sirius let him finish and thought about what he said. “Remus. I'm choosing this. I'm doing so on my own, and even though I don't believe it will happen… _if_ , for some reason, I felt like it was too much, we would talk about it. Figure it out. If we're going to do this, then there'll be no more running away. Okay?” He waited for Remus to nod and then smiled.

 

He traced his cheekbones with his fingers, feeling their sharpness. He could see the scars on his face, too. They weren't very obvious, only if one took a close look. He was curious, of course, even desperate to find out. But, for now, what he had was enough.

 

“Can I kiss you?” he asked, and he felt a breath hitch in Remus' throat when he said, “yes.” He lifted his head and Remus leaned down, until they were millimetres apart. And then they kissed, and he put both his hands on Remus' neck, tangled them in his hair, and he felt like all was finally just right.

They stayed close even after the kiss has ended, and it was the closeness and comfort that made it feel like the most natural thing. Like they've known each other for ages.

 

“Where do you live?” Sirius asked, realising he didn't know.

 

“Not far from here. It's a shitty flat above a bookstore that I own but… Well, I've grown to like it.”

 

“You own a bookstore?” He had to smile at that, because the image fitted Remus so perfectly.

 

“Mhm,” Remus murmured, leaning into the couch. “Used to belong to my mum, but she died when I was little… Father tried to sell it, but no one bought it, so he left it unused. Years later I returned there and brought it back to life.”

 

“That sounds… well. Nice. You must love books a lot.”

 

“Oh, I do.” He smiled, as if the pure mention of them made him feel at ease. “What do you do?”

 

“I paint. Actually I'm just starting but… Lily is helping me pick out stuff for my first showing. We’d been celebrating in that club when we met you.” Remus was looking at him with widened eyes and he flinched just a bit at the mention of the club, which felt like a sharp pain to Sirius.

 

“Will you show me?” he asked, and Sirius bit his lip, thinking. He nodded slowly, and once he felt it was alright, he smiled. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.”

 

“It's okay if you don't want to…”

 

“No, come on. Quickly, or I'll change my mind. I'm really self-conscious about my art and this might be your only chance.” He only meant it half-jokingly. It was silly, really, since he was about to have a bloody _showing_ —he'll have to get over this fear soon.

 

“O-okay,” Remus blurted out and let himself be dragged through the flat into Sirius' room. Once they were there, Sirius sat down on the ground and pulled out a sketchpad from under the bed. Remus joined him on the ground and waited while Sirius started browsing through it.

 

“These are the sketches… I've got some paintings, too. They're in my studio though, so we'll have to go over there, but I thought you'll want to see these first…” halfway through the sentence he passed him the sketches and fidgeted with his shirt.

 

Remus was in awe. There were sketches of simple things, like furniture, and then there were many sketches of hands. And streets. And then the portraits—he recognised James and Sirius, but there were so many more.

 

“… Are you going to say something? I'm losing my mind here,” he finally heard Sirius' voice who was sitting with his arms crossed, looking at him expectantly.

 

“Sirius, these are beautiful. I'm… It's just… I know nothing about art but I can feel things when I look at them.” He wanted so much to be able to explain what he felt, but it seemed as though Sirius understood perfectly.

 

“You really think so?”

 

“I really, really do.”

 

“Good. That's. Good. Okay, would you want to see the other ones now?” Sirius jumped up and held out a hand for him to take. He let himself be dragged again, and Sirius was almost bouncing with excitement.

 

“We're here,” he said, opening the doors. The room was huge, and there were paintings all over it. Covered ones, framed ones on the walls, some unfinished pieces on the racks… it was overwhelming, Remus didn't know where to look first.

 

“You made all of this?” There were colours _everywhere_. He found himself too afraid to move, too afraid to break something just by looking at it. When he looked at Sirius, he was beaming with joy.

“Er, yeah. I'm stuck here most of the time, you see. It's what I love. Like you and books.”

 

“When you paint… do you end up all covered with it? The colours?”

 

“Most of the time, yes. I like the feeling of paint drying on my skin. It's… Well. It feels nice.”

 

Sirius walked him around the room, choosing specific works he wanted to show him. It felt like they were in there for hours, and Remus wouldn't mind spending the whole day there.

 

When they got out, Sirius led him to the kitchen, saying he was getting really hungry.

 

“So,” Sirius said, sitting down on a stool next to the counter.

 

“What would you want? The kitchen's all yours. Things get kind of… ugly when I cook, so it's up to you.” He grinned when Remus rolled his eyes at him and started preparing things.

 

“I could just make some pasta with cheese sauce… Have you got spinach?” Sirius shrugged, and Remus snorted. “You live here!”

 

“I know,” he chuckled. “Jamie cooks. I eat. It's a fair deal.”

 

“Fair deal, sure.” Remus was shaking his head, but once he got to cooking, Sirius could see that he was good at it. He clearly enjoyed it, and soon started humming some melody.

 

Once the food was ready, they grabbed their plates and brought them to the couch where they sat and ate in silence.

 

“This is so good,” Sirius said with his mouth full and eyes closed.

 

“Well thank you,” Remus replied, grinning. “I'm glad you like it.”

 

“When did you learn to cook?”

 

“Um, I was mostly taking care of myself since a very young age so… it was something I needed to do. Then, when I realised I liked it and wanted to learn more, nothing was stopping me.” He gave serious a small smile, then started to eat. He was taking small, cautious bites, as if he was afraid of being sick.

 

“Are you alright?” Sirius asked, worried. Remus looked up at him, surprised that Sirius noticed, but he tried not to let it show.

 

“What? Yeah, sure. I'm just a little shaken from all that happened.”

 

“Okay…” Sirius let it be, but he made a mental note not to forget. One look at Remus' thin frame made him think this wasn't an accident.

 

Once they finished the food, the two of the cleaned the dishes together, chatting about the most casual things. They were aware they knew little to none about themselves besides from what they've shared, and collecting the little things helped them to create a real person in their heads.

 

They moved to the couch later, and it wasn't until the sky went dark that Remus started glancing at the clock.

 

“I should be going… It's been a long day and I guess I should get some sleep. You too,” he added with a half-smile.

 

“Yeah, I'll get my beauty sleep, no worries.” Remus untangled his arms from around Sirius and then stretched, feeling the good old ache in his bones that never really went away.

 

“I'm really glad that I could come here. It was… well. Awesome. Thank you.” There was some much more in those words, and Sirius knew that.

 

“It was very nice indeed. Do you work on Monday?”

 

“Tomorrow too, actually.”

 

“But it's Sunday?” Sirius asked, lifting his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah, but that's when most of my regulars come, so I'm always open until noon at least.” They got up and made their way to the door.

 

“Are you gonna apparate?”

 

“No, I think a walk would be nice to think about everything.” He looked like he wanted to say something more, but then glanced away. Sirius noticed, of course.

 

“What is it?” he asked.

 

“Just… We will meet again, right? Do you still want to?” He looked at Sirius and tried not to avert his eyes.

 

“Yes. Yes, I want to. That's not gonna change.”

 

“One more thing,” Remus said, this time with a smile. “May I get a hug?” Laughing, Sirius put his arms around him and squeezed tight. They held onto each other for a long time, and once they parted, both of them were wearing a huge smile.

 

“Thank you. For everything. I'll see you soon,” Remus said, then smiled at him once again before walking out the door.

Sirius got up to some cleaning afterwards, realising the place was a bit of a mess, but mostly to distract himself from his thoughts. He wanted to shut them off for a while and cleaning felt like a good choice for that.

 

He started wondering about James when it was past eight, the time he was usually home on Saturdays. He decided to call, just so that he's sure James' alright.

 

James picked it up after the first ring

.

-Sirius? Hey, sorry, I wanted to text you. I'm staying at Lily's place tonight so I won't be getting home.-

 

-Oh… Okay? Great, tell her I said hi.-

 

-I will. We're having a movie night… Her sister called today and she called me to work so I went right here…-

 

-That… cunt still calls her? Shit, I'm sorry.-

 

-Yeah, it's. Ugh, never mind, I'm not getting into it again. See you tomorrow then, okay? Wait, how did the meeting with Remus go?-

 

-Don't worry, it went great. I'll tell you tomorrow, okay?-

 

-Okay. Love you.-

 

-Love you too. Bye.-

 

He put the phone down and got into the shower. It felt nice to put on new clothes—he even made himself a mug of cocoa and went into his room where he put the sheets around himself and put on Supernatural.

 

His thoughts starting becoming insufferable, and so he allowed himself to think about the day. He was not any less confused, but he felt in his gut that he was doing the right thing. Maybe he should have thought it through more—or  he should have done something differently—but each time that thought crossed his mind he reminded himself of all the times when he did things that he felt awful about and how that made him feel when he failed to face what he’d done. He wasn't going to do the same mistake again.

 

When James came home the next day, Sirius was in his studio, working on his last piece that he intended to finish before the showing. He didn't hear James and so he was startled when he knocked on the door, but relieved at the sound of his voice.

 

“Si? Can I come in?”

 

“Yeah, go on.” He put the brushes down and turned the painting away, but he needn't have to worry—James wouldn't look at it; he knew he didn't like that while they were unfinished.

 

“Working again?” he asked, hugging Sirius and getting paint on his left cheek. Sirius wiped it off with a smile, nodding.

 

“Yeah. Let's get out of here, I need a break anyway, my hand is killing me.”

 

He sent James to sit on the couch while he prepared the tea, then brought the mugs with him and sat next to James.

 

Under a closer look, he could tell that James was a bit nervous, but there was a genuine smile on his face, too.

 

“Wanna talk?” he asked, leaving him a space if he decided not to.

 

James' smile went a bit tense, but he nodded his head. “I told Lily last night. About… about Sam. And I also told her I liked her and how that makes me feel. She… Merlin, Sirius, she was incredible. It was right after we talked about her sister, and she was sad because she thought Petunia and her will never make it right between themselves. She also said how grateful she is that I… that she could talk to me. And that she doesn't think I'm an arrogant idiot anymore… I felt like she wanted to kiss me. I knew I wanted to kiss her. But I didn't and I told her everything. And she stayed, and held me, and said that how I feel is absolutely valid and… It all felt too good to be real.” James had tears in his eyes but he was smiling in the end. Sirius held him in a hug, smiling against his neck.

 

“I'm glad you told her. And that it all went like it did… I just want you to be happy, Jamie.”

 

“I know. You're the best.”

 

Sirius rolled his eyes, snorting. “I know I am, silly.”

 

“Prat,” James said, chuckling. “Will you tell me about yesterday now?”

 

Sirius studied James closely before answering. “I believe him. And I know that I've made a good decision. He's not going to hurt me anymore.” He believed all of what he's said, and even though James will probably not trust Remus right away, he knew that he'd be with him, no matter what.

 

“Okay. I trust you to know what you're doing. Are you two together then?”

 

“We haven't really brought that up yet… But I guess we are? Um.” James had to laugh when he saw his expression.

 

“Oh come on, there was kind of no time for that.” But he was smiling, too. It felt like he was smiling so often now, his cheeks were hurting.

 

“What if this works out, Jamie? I mean… I never thought I'll find someone. I hoped, sure, but for the first time I feel complete by myself, like I don't need to be fixed anymore, like I'm worthy of love. It took me a while, but none of those relationships before made me feel the way I feel when I'm with him. It might sound silly but…”

 

“It doesn't,” James said. “It's what you feel, you don't need to explain that. I support you, no matter what.”

 

“Thank you, Jamie. Had it not been for you…” He didn't have to finish—James knew. He was the one who gave him his first hug, who told him that it's okay to cry, who showed him what it felt like to have a family, who was there for him when he thought no one could save him from himself. He was there when Sirius wanted nothing else but to die, and he kept telling him that he had a family, a real one, not the people who hurt him and broken him into a million pieces. He helped him collect those pieces and put himself together, piece by piece.

 

“I love you so much.”

It was just past four in the afternoon when Sirius decided to text Remus. It felt unusual to be wanting to do so, to feel the need to check on him, to know how he feels and what he's doing. But it was the kind of unusual that he's been craving.

 

**Hi. How was work? Have you closed the store already?**

 

_Hey. Um, no, not really. There were many people here so I decided to stay here till five. I'm already regretting it though, it's so boring. I might close soon._

 

**Would you mind if I came to visit you? I'd love to see it**

 

_No, I'd be happy. Really. Do you remember the address?_

 

**Yeah. I'll be there in half an hour, if that's okay**

 

_Great. See you soon_

He let James know where he was going and then hurried to pick an outfit—this time a t-shirt with a Black Sabath logo and dark, slim jeans. Then, all settled, he decided to ride his bike there since it wasn't very long of a ride and he hasn't taken it out in a while.

 

It took him no more than fifteen minutes to get to Remus' bookstore. The building was old and didn't seem very impressive from the outside, but once he parked the bike and peered inside, a huge smile appeared on his face. The whole place seemed very Remus. There were books in the shelves and on the ground, all around the tables and on the windowsills, but the mess was somehow still organised.

 

He spotted Remus behind the counter, but he didn't say hello yet, seeing that he was talking to the customers. Remus smiled at him when he noticed him, and Sirius started walking around, trying to see as much as possible. The tapestries on the walls had the night sky printed on them, with stars and constellations and scientific facts, which looked oddly beautiful, even though it was such a contrast with the books.

 

“How do you like it?” Sirius hadn't noticed that Remus approached him and so he was startled by his voice, but smiled when he turned around.

 

“It's very you. And very beautiful. I like the tapestries,” he said, pointing at the walls.

 

“That was mom's idea. Look,” Remus pointed behind Sirius, and when he looked closer, he could see the constellation he knew very well, along with the star he was named after.

 

“So you've had me here with you all the time.”

 

“The star is nothing in comparison to you,” Remus said quietly. He lifted a hand and brushed a stray of hair that fell out of his bun from Sirius' face, then cupped his cheek with it.

 

He leaned in, almost closing the distance, but letting Sirius stand on his toes and pull him close in a kiss. It was chaste and short, and Sirius wondered how a single kiss could make him feel so safe.

“Show me around?” He asked, and Remus nodded, taking his hand and walking him round the store. The customers had already left, so he put the CLOSED sign on the door. The store was much bigger on the inside than it seemed, and the deeper they went, the messier it was.

 

“I love this. It's like there's an invisible order to everything.”

 

“Nah, I'm just lazy with cleaning. But people like it, too. It seems cosier.”

 

“It does,” Sirius admitted, walking around the aisles until he's seen every corner of the store.

 

“I didn't think you'd be so interested,” Remus said. “Most people aren't.”

 

“It's a part of you. And I want to know every one of those little things about you.”

 

“We can learn together. And teach each other. I…” Remus didn't finish the sentence, not being able to say it all in words just yet.

 

“Let's go upstairs. I want to show you my place. If you want, of course.” Sirius nodded with a huge smile on his face, and the two of them walked to the stairs that led into Remus' flat.

 

“It's a bit smaller than this but still fairly huge, it wasn't really supposed to serve as a place for living but…” He opened the door and let Sirius walk in. It _was_ huge. There were no walls whatsoever, except for the two on the left that were probably for the bedroom and bathroom. The place had a little furniture in it, but the walls were covered with texts. Newspaper pages, printed stuff, anything and everything that could be pinned to the wall was there. And there were bookshelves _everywhere_ —Sirius had to wonder whether Remus takes a new book up here every time he leaves the store.

 

“Wow,” was all he got out of his mouth. He touched the wall that was closest to him, tracing the words that were unreadable over the time.

 

“It's a bit silly, but I hated the sight of the plain walls.”

 

“It's beautiful. I love this place.” He smiled at Remus but couldn't get his eyes off the walls.

“You can look around if you want to. Would you like tea? I'll put the kettle on.”

 

“Sure,” he said, and he heard Remus walking away to the kitchen. He kept walking along the walls, tracing the pieces of paper and reading those he could. Some of them were pages ripped out of books, which he didn't think Reus would do himself, but maybe he kept many copies of those. “You don't have any photos,” he said after looking through every corner. Remus appeared with a tray that he sat on the coffee table before joining him by the window.

 

“No,” he said simply. “I have no pictures of anyone that matters.”

 

“Not even your sister?” he asked quietly, not wanting to upset Remus.

 

“No,” he repeated. “My father burned them all. And those of my mother. I… I can't even remember what she looked like.”

 

“I'm sorry.” He reached for his hand and squeezed lightly; Remus squeezed back.

 

“If you want to talk about it, we can. Your family, I mean. Or anything. You don't have to keep everything inside.” He knew that Remus did that all the time. Sirius had James and the Potters and Marlene and now even Lily. But Remus… he was afraid that he kept a whole life inside of him.

“It's nothing nice or happy. I don't want to ruin this day, really. We can talk some other time.”

 

“Are you sure? I'm not trying to push you but I don't mind. You wouldn't ruin anything.” Remus let go of his hand and walked to the couch, but he didn't sit down.

 

“But I always do. I always ruin everything I care about.”

 

Sirius winced at the words and shook his head, but Remus didn't see him. “I don't believe that, Remus.”

 

“It's true. You don't know, it's just…”

 

“Then tell me.” Remus finally turned away, mouth in a thin line and arms around his middle. “It's not only my sister who've died because of me. My mother, too.” Sirius could see that Remus put all the effort into making his voice not shake, but in the end, it failed him. Not saying a word, he came all the way to him and pulled him down on the couch, then put both his arms around him. Remus held onto him like he did before. It occurred to Sirius that maybe he wasn't the only one who felt safe in the other's presence.

 

“When I was… When I was six, my father had some issues with one… man. That man was put in prison by him, and my father insulted him deeply. He got out somehow, and he planned an attack on me as a revenge. My mother heard some noise that night and she went into my room… Once he saw her there, he didn't even flinch. He cut her throat before she could scream for my father.  And then he turned at me, smiling. I'll always remember that smile. Always. And I'll never forget what my mother looked like, bleeding out on the floor, and I could do nothing. I passed out, and father… He lost his whole world that time. She was his everything. My sister was only a few months old. If only she stayed in bed, if she had…” He couldn't finish. He almost choked on his words, and Sirius holding him was what kept him from falling apart again.

 

“Remus,” he said, after a long time. “It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have saved her. She was your mother, and she loved you—of course she wanted to protect you. You were just a child, it's not…

 

Just. Please, _please_ , know that it wasn't your fault.” He kept speaking even when Remus wasn't responding.

 

“He didn't think so,” he breathed out at last, with his eyes still shut.

 

“Who?”

 

“My father. He didn't think it wasn't my fault. It didn't matter to him… even if I begged him to forgive me, he kept telling me that I killed her. That I should have died instead.” His voice was cold and steady, and it hid pain so deep that Sirius could feel it. He hated that man so much. He hated him for making Remus feel like this.

 

“You can't believe him. You can't. Remus, look at me. Please.” It seemed like he would ignore him, but after what seemed like forever, Remus opened his eyes. They seemed empty when Sirius looked at him, and it made him feel sick.

 

“You deserved so much better, Remus. None of what happened is your fault. You couldn't have prevented it. And no matter what your father told you… It's not true.” Remus didn't nod or say anything, but he saw a glimpse of hope on his face. As if he wished so desperately to believe those words.

 

“I'll try,” Remus whispered.

 

“Does your… is your father still alive?” He wanted to shout and scream and let Remus know how much he hated the man, but he didn't want to hurt him. He didn't know how he felt about his father.

 

“Yes. At least I think he is. I've only seen him once since I was thirteen, and I'm sure didn't notice me then.” There was a moment of silence before Remus spoke again. “I should hate him. I know that. He hurt me so much… I know that family's not supposed to do that. But every time I looked at him I saw the man who read me stories for good night, who held me when I was scared at night… who loved my mother more than anything. And my sister. I… I couldn't see anything else.”

 

“It's okay that you don't hate him. I understand. I… it's okay if you still love him, too.”

 

Remus looked up at him, startled.

 

“What he did to you is unacceptable and he certainly doesn't deserve your love, but it's your father. No matter what our parents do to us, we still have a glimpse of hope that they'll love us in the end of the day.” He tried to keep his head up, to not show how much it hurt to talk about that, because it was Remus who needed him right now.

 

Remus was looking at him for a long time before he spoke. “Thank you. I think I needed to hear that. All those years… I couldn't admit it to myself.” He managed a small smile, and Sirius returned it.

“Sirius…” he knew it's come before he said that. “Did your parents hurt you?”

 

He stilled a bit in Remus' arms, but he's already come to terms with his past. He'd told people before. He breathed in and out slowly before he answered. “Yes. And I couldn't admit it for a long time, too. That I still loved them, even after what they did.”

 

“I… I completely understand if you don't want to, but you can tell me, too. You've been here for me when no one else was. I want you to know that I'm here, too.”

“I'd like to know if you're alright, first.”

 

“I am. I will be.” Remus smiled gently. “I've got you, after all.”

 

The realisation of that statement hit Sirius with its full force. Indeed, they had each other’s backs. It was a promise and an assurance.

 

He tried to put all that into a squeeze of Remus’ hand, and before speaking up, he leaned into the couch and pulled his knees to his chest.

 

“Have you heard of the Blacks before?” looking up at Remus, he saw the slight confusion on his face.

 

“Your family? No, not really.” Sirius nodded, since he expected such… had Remus known who the Blacks were, he would have been shooting Sirius looks since the beginning.

 

“It's more than just a family. The Blacks are one of the biggest pureblood wizarding families there are, and their lineage is the cleanest of all, or so they say.” He was speaking with a blank expression, reciting the facts as if it didn't include him at all.

 

“For centuries, the Blacks were trying to keep their bloodline as clean as possible. Every single muggle and muggleborn was nothing in their eyes, not worthy of living or being treated like human beings. But there are only so many pureblood families that they would accept to enter theirs. They realised that inbreeding was the only option,” he dared to poke an eye on Remus but the disgusted grimace he was expecting was not there. Remus' face looked just concerned, so he went on with his story.

 

“Up until now, every Black has been carefully bred to display the best possible looks, to be the living example of the family's power and superiority to others.” He paused for a while, leaving Remus some space to deal with that.

 

“But… Years ago, it would be easier to understand, but now? In the modern age? That's…”

“Disgusting. Awful. Yeah, I know. My mother and father were second-cousins. My father's parents were even more immediate family, and it goes on and on and on. The families like the Blacks expected certain… behaviour of their members. Complete obedience from their children, for one. You had to accept from the very young age that there is only one path that you can take, that there is and never will be nothing else for you than what they choose for you. And you had to carry that weight as something to be proud of.”

 

“Is James also from a family like this?” Remus didn't let many emotions show, but Sirius could see that he buried many inside.

 

“His family is also pureblood, but they are considered blood traitors for associating with muggles and for being decent people in general—that's unofficial but it gives you the picture.”

 

“You said they took you in.”

 

“Yes. They are the only family I consider truly mine.” No matter the awful things he was talking about, even the mention of the Potters made him smile.

 

Remus left him as much space as he needed, but he could feel the intensity of his look.

 

“I… Before I turned eleven I was already very ahead of my peers—those who weren't like me, at least. I've been learning since before I could walk, beginning with Latin and French and Greek when I was five. I've been taught calligraphy and the right way to walk, talk, even eat. I've known the family trees of every pureblood family; I've learned every single name of each member of our family, each connection. The walls of my nursery were painted green and silver, and there was never a time when I was asked my opinion about anything. If I asked too many questions or didn't follow the orders immediately, I was punished. _The real punishment is the knowledge that you have failed. The pain is merely a way to make you remember it._ That's what my mother always said, and I believed her every word.

 

When I first went to Hogwarts, everything felt like a whole new world to me. The Sorting shouldn't have been a big event to me—Slytherin was the only option, I was absolutely sure I'd end up there. There wasn't a single member of the Black family that had been sorted elsewhere. Except that I wasn't,” Sirius said, smiling at the memory.

 

“Gryffindor. I couldn't believe it. The second the hat shouted it through the hall, I panicked and wanted to escape, but I showed none of it. James and Peter had been sorted there, too. Suddenly I had friends, and the curtains around my bed were red and gold. When my family found out, they only sent one letter. It…” his voice trembled, even after all those years. “There were no threats, but they didn't have to word those—I knew what that meant; I knew I had failed. But I decided to make the year worth it. I've never been so happy in my life.”

 

“Each summer it got worse and worse. I had to go home, and the cruelty of my mother seemed to have no end. The older I got, the more I felt the need to show how different from them all I was. I wore muggle clothes and hung muggle posters in my room, I wore red and gold and I was proud of being a Gryffindor. It all cost something, yes, but if pain was the price for being free, I decided it was worth it. It was always my mother who punished me, never father. She used charms and sticks, never her own hands. I had bruises, but they were easy to hide. Most of the scars were the ones I carried inside.” He smiled sadly, and the gentlest pressure of Remus' hand of his own made it easier to go on.

 

“When I was in fifth year, I could no longer ignore the fact that was something different about me. I was never particularly interested in girls, and I knew it would have been worthless anyway—parents of the girl I was supposed to marry after school had signed a contract with mine before I could even speak. I persuaded myself that that was the reason… I ignored the feelings inside that were telling me that the truth was different.” He entwined his fingers with Remus, taking the offered comfort of the gesture.

 

“The first time I kissed a bloke was in the end of fifth year. I didn't even know what I was doing. He was a Ravenclaw, a year above me. I did it mostly to find out what those feelings meant—I admitted before that boys attracted me, but I never meant to act on it, ever. I knew what the consequences would have been if they found out. But that afternoon, when he was right there, I thought no one would ever know if I did it—just this once. We ended up meeting almost every evening, finding hidden spots and almost never saying a word. I felt so relieved when the summer has passed—I managed to keep that secret. I also told James that summer, and it was the hardest thing… but somehow I knew he wouldn't care. He almost shrugged it off, nothing has changed. In sixth year, Andrew and I—that was his name—we started meeting again. It was a matter of time when someone would find us. To make it even worse, it was my cousin who finally managed to catch us.” Remembering Bellatrix made his lips twitch.

 

“She wrote my parents almost immediately. She told them his name, too. He was a muggleborn on top of it all. I knew that was the end, and there was no chance they'd let my stay at James' over the summer—I had to go home. Remember how I told you my father never touched me? I never even saw him speak until that day. He was always cold and distant, it was my mother who screamed at us and demanded us to behave. But this time… I wish I'd never seen that look on his face. He didn't say a word, but the second I set foot into the house, he had the house elves drag me to his office. I'd never been there before. I don't remember much, just that he used Cruciatus on me more times than I could count. He wasn't like mother. He liked to use his own force, his own hands. When he was done with me, I lay there for hours. I thought I was dying. Had it not been for Reg… My brother, Regulus,  sneaked out all my things, dragged me out of the house, and then ordered me to leave. I couldn't believe it… I thought he hated me, I was the heir, and no matter what he did to please his parents, that was the fact. But that one time, he actually helped me. I walked until I couldn't feel my legs, and I went to the only place I could—to James' house. His parents took me in without question and healed me, and I never left there again.” His throat was sore when he finished, but he decided not to give Remus half-truths. He wanted it all out at once.

 

“Now you know,” he said, trying to find his smile again. It surprised him when he saw the tears on Remus' cheeks. They were drying, but new ones were already forming in his eyes.

 

“Re?”

 

Remus closed his eyes and let his head fall on his hands, breathing shakily.

 

“Remus, it's…”

 

“I hurt you. They hurt you so much and I hurt you again. I'm no better than they are. You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't tolerate me or my apologies. You trusted me with this and I can give you nothing but incomplete truths… You deserve so much better, Sirius. You're the most wonderful person I've met, and I'd kill them if I could for what they did to you. I hate them, and I hate myself for ever making you feel hurt, and for putting you in danger by letting myself be close to you.”

 

Remus' expression was so angry, so dark—Sirius didn't know he was capable of it.

 

He opened his mouth and closed it again, desperate to find the right words. “I've told you before. I choose you. I don't care what you think about that, as long as you want this, too. That's all that matters. And don't say ever again that you are like them—there's not a single thing you have in common with those monsters.” He wanted to touch Remus, but he knew that if he flinched away, it'd hurt him immensely. He did so anyway, and Remus didn't move. He sat there with his eyes closed and lips pursed, holding his breath.

 

All of a sudden, his expression started changing. The emotions were hidden under his face again, and when he opened his eyes, the hatred and darkness were gone. The pain, though, has stayed.

 

“I'm sorry. I didn't want to make this about me. What you told me is… I don't have enough words to describe how I feel. I'm so sorry you had to go through it.”

 

“You did not… No, don't say that. You talk, I hold you, and the other way around. Don't apologise for your feelings. I want you to talk to me.” He was curious about why Remus was holding back so much, but he was his old self now, and he reached a hand out for Sirius to take and squeezed it, smiling a little.

 

“Thank you for telling me.”

 

He opened his arms in invitation, and Sirius slid in, pressing himself as close to Remus he could manage. He could hear his heart thumping in his chest, and he pressed a kiss there.

 

Remus held him close and drew patterns on his back, breathing slowly.

 

“What about your brother?” Remus asked, not letting go off him so Sirius had to turn his head to be able to speak.

 

“We met a few years after his graduation, when he realised that not everything our parents told him was true. He walked out of the house and never looked back, and he came right to me. I didn't have to hear his apology to forgive him. Just the sight of him was enough… I thought I'd lost him forever, and to have him back…”

 

“Did James' parents take him in, too?”

 

“Yeah… The Potters are amazing people. Reg stayed there for a while but when James and I moved to London, he bought a plane ticket and left. He said he wanted to see the world… He thought he'll never get the chance.”

 

“And now? Are you in contact?” Remus moved a bit so that he could see Sirius' face, and Sirius adjusted and pushed himself up.

 

“He's been staying in Japan for three years. I went to see him once, along with Jamie. He's got a life there, you know? I don't blame him for wanting to be away… And he comes here, too, occasionally.”

 

“It's great that the two of you made it work.”

 

“Yeah,” Sirius smiled and nuzzled into his neck, not liking the lack of closeness.

 

“You give great cuddles, did you know that?” Remus hummed approvingly, pushing a stray of hair off of his face.

 

“You're not so bad yourself.” Sirius snorted, but the sound was muffled by Remus' shirt.

He felt how Remus tangled his hand into his hair and he closed his eyes, a small moan escaping his lips.

 

“Most people can't touch my hair. But you… Your hands can do miracles.” Remus started massaging his scalp, sending a shiver down Sirius' spine.

 

“They can indeed,” Remus said, and he couldn't help a small grin his face.

 

“How modest,” Sirius said mockingly, but the words made him feel hot all over.

 

Remus must have noticed how his body went still, because he froze, too. There was a growing tension in the air, and Sirius was very aware of their closeness. He moved his head just a bit, and then turned his face up until his lips touched the pulse point on Remus' neck. He kissed him there and could feel how Remus' jaw tensed. He continued with the kisses all along his neck, his jaw, and with each kiss Remus' breath sped up.

 

Remus' hands crept down his neck and chest, then came back up and held his face gently. Sirius pulled his head back to look Remus in the eyes. It was a silent question, and Remus answered it by closing his eyes and leaning in. Sirius licked along Remus' bottom lip and then sucked on it gently, loving the little sounds Remus was making. He kissed him slow and gently, but the passion building up in his belly was becoming too intense. He deepened the kiss and knew immediately that Remus was feeling the same. He returned his kisses eagerly and soon they were both breathing heavily, their foreheads touching.

 

“Can we…?” Sirius didn't want to rush things so soon after all the mess that happened, and he wanted to make sure he didn't read the situation wrong.

 

Remus' expression was unreadable, but in his eyes, there was the same want and passion that Sirius felt.

 

“Do you want to? Because it's not… I understand if you don't trust me after the last time.”

 

Sirius smiled just a smallest bit and breathed out close to Remus' ear. “I trust you,” he whispered.

 

“And we're not strangers,” he said, moving his head so that their mouths were touching. “This isn't just a late-night fuck,” he moved Remus' lips along with his, and felt strong hands on his waist, his hips, leaving shivers all over.

 

“This is…” the rest of the sentence was forgotten as he finally kissed Remus properly, relearning the way Remus kept the kiss slow but deep, how he sometimes scratched his bottom lip with his teeth and smiled when he heard his breath hitch in his throat.

…

When he woke up the first thing Sirius felt was warmth of another body pressed against his. Remus' limbs were everywhere, his body spread across the bed and at the same time, he still managed to have Sirius pulled close against him.

 

He didn't get up from the bed immediately, enjoying the calm and comfort. He moved just a bit so that he could see Remus' face, unmoving and peaceful in his sleep, with a small gap between his lips.

 

Smiling, he nuzzled a little closer, seeking the warmth that seemed to be radiating from Remus. Since he was watching him so closely, Sirius noticed a smallest smile forming on Remus' lips, but he didn't wake up.

 

_He's so beautiful_ , Sirius thought. The word kept popping up in his head last night. Whenever Remus couldn't help a smile when they bumped their noses in between the kisses, or when his lips mouthed unspoken words as he touched Sirius, when he looked Sirius in the eye seconds before he came, and when he smiled afterwards and let Sirius cover every inch of his face with kisses, laughing until his whole body was shaking.

 

He thought so when Remus let him touch his scars, when he traced them with his fingertips and felt Remus' body shiver under him. There was disgust in Remus' eyes when he looked at himself, but Sirius felt none of that. He showed him with every kiss he planted on those scars that they weren't that… that they were beautiful, too, because they were a part of him.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Remus' voice startled him at first, but he smiled and leaned into the touch of Remus' hand on his face.

 

“You,” he answered, rolling his eyes when Remus chuckled. “Cheesy,” he whispered, frowning. “But I like it.”

 

“You better,” Sirius laughed, stretching his arms above his head and yawning. He sat up then, searching for his shirt—he spotted it on the nightstand and grabbed it, then got off the bed, pointing a look at Remus.

 

“Are you planning on getting up anytime soon?”

 

“You're right, it's too soon,” Remus murmured quietly. When Sirius didn't say anything, he poked one eye open. “What?”

 

“Nothing. You're cute when you're sleepy.” He turned around and searched for his pants, smiling when he heard Remus chuckle.

 

“Uh, can I use the bathroom?”

 

“Sure, it's the first door on the left when you walk out of this room.”

 

“Thanks. Be right back,” he said, leaving the room with his clothes. Once he was in the bathroom, he splashed his face several times to wake himself up, then looked at his reflection. His hair was a mess, tangled and all over the place—which was all Remus' fault, since he couldn't keep his hands off it.

His eyes widened when he spotted the hickeys covering his neck and chest, but it was a pleasant surprise, and his lips curled into a smug grin.

 

Not wanting to be in there for too long, he used the loo and then got into the shower, relaxing under the hot water. Once he dried himself, he put the clothes on and tied his still-wet hair up.

 

Remus wasn't in the bedroom anymore, but Sirius could hear sounds from the kitchen, so he turned around and walked in, finding Remus preparing their tea.

 

“Morning,” he said, still not turning around. “Is tea alright? I've got some coffee, too, in case you'd better like that.”

 

“Tea is great, thanks. Do you happen to have a spare toothbrush?”

 

Remus turned around and nodded. “Yeah, in the cupboard below the window.” Sirius smiled and went back to the bathroom, then opened the first few drawers, searching for the toothbrush. There were several vials—healing potions, he supposed—and then finally, a few still unopened toothbrushes. He picked one and once he was done brushing, made his way back to Remus.

 

“Oh, have some tea while I have a shower, yeah? There's some biscuits, too, and feel free to take something from the fridge.” Remus' gaze lingered on him for a little too long, but he moved after a chuckle that escaped Sirius' lips.

 

“Don't say anything,” Remus said, half-laughing already as he was passing Sirius who held out a hand and grabbed him by the waist. “You have no right to look like this, then just… stand here, like… ugh, you're unbelievable.” Remus made a frustrated gesture with his hands then shook his head.

 

“Funny,” Sirius said, planting a kiss on his jaw. “Hearing that from you with those curls of yours, and the dimple that only appears here,” he said, poking his left cheek, “and that half-smile you're wearing when you're being all smart… you make me go wobbly in the knees.”

 

Remus looked like he didn't believe a word, and when he smiled, it didn't reach his eyes. “Go eat something, I'll be right back.” He walked out quickly, then closed door behind himself with a quiet thud. Sirius noticed before how extremely oblivious Remus was to his own beauty, how he only saw the scars and ugliness that was there only in his eyes… He wished he'll see himself one day the way Sirius saw him—strong and beautiful and cute and sexy and smart… He could go on and on and on.

Hearing the water turn on, he sat down in the kitchen and sipped on his tea, waiting for Remus' return. He checked his phone and saw a text from James, and he texted back so that he wouldn't worry. There was also one from Lily, that said _call me back as soon as you can, Lils._

 

He had several missed calls from her as well, so he dialled her number, fighting back the worry in his gut.

 

It rang just two times when Lily picked it up.

 

“Si? Oh, thank Merlin, I thought you'd lost your phone. Guess what.”

 

“Um, hi, what's going on? Did something happen?”

 

“I said guess, dummy.” She was trying hard to sound serious, but he could hear her smiling.

“Oh come on, just tell me Evans.”

 

“You should be nicer to me, being that I'm probably the only person who can prepare you for yours showing that'll be, let me see, in a week.” He waited for her to continue, staring dumb-founded with his mouth hanging open.

 

“Go again?”

 

“You heard me. Well, technically eight days since it'll be on Monday but, you get the point.”

 

“Wait, but… how? Why? It was supposed to be in three weeks, not… Merlin and Morgana, Lils, I'm so not ready! How am I… How… You've got to help me!” His panicked voice resonated through the room and he saw Remus poking from behind the corner, his expression confused and alarmed. Sirius felt like passing out, and he was glad he was sitting.

 

“Hey, hey, don't freak out, okay? I swear it's gonna be alright. I'll help you, and we'll make it, yeah? You have nothing to worry about.”

 

“But… What if… Fuck, this was such a mistake, what if nobody takes me seriously and then It'll be such a failure and I'd be just a big laugh…”

 

“No, stop thinking that right now. You know it's not true. _Sirius_. Each one of them is going to fall on their arses when they see your art, and trust me, I know what I'm talking about. It's going to be fine, I promise. Now try to calm down and let me know when we'll meet to discuss it further. Now let it be and enjoy your Sunday, okay?”

 

“Okay. Okay, I can do that. Thanks for letting me know.”

 

“Take care, Si. Love you.”

 

“Love you,” he said, hanging up. He put his head in his hands, breathing heavily.

 

“Sirius? Please, tell me what's wrong?” He hadn't even realised that Remus was kneeling down next to him before he heard his concerned voice.

 

“It's… my showing. The date has changed, it'll be next Monday instead of the twentieth.”

 

“But… isn't that good news?”

 

Sirius looked at him in pure horror, shaking his head. “No! Ugh, I can't do this, I'm not ready, I… I'll be a joke, a laugh, nothing more. Why did I ever agree to this?”

 

Remus took his hand and stood up, dragging him up with him.

 

“Look at me. I'm no fancy art critic, but even I can tell that the stuff you make is extraordinary. It's beautiful, and full of life and it's got so much of you in it… There's no way anyone wouldn't be astounded by it. And you know this, you know that your art is bloody amazing. I wouldn't tell you this if it weren't true.”

 

Half-way through Remus' reassurances, Sirius leaned in and let himself be held, trying to calm down and think. Lily and Remus were right, he could do this. He was good. He just had to try and believe it again.

 

They were quiet and unmoving, and Remus didn't interrupt the quiet. He offered all the comfort Sirius needed, and he let him calm down until his breathing evened out.

 

“Are you okay?” he whispered, not letting go.

 

“Yeah. Thank you. I'm sorry I panicked, it… happens sometimes.”

 

“Don't. Please, you don't have to be sorry for panicking, or feeling anxious about something. It's a big thing, it's just natural that you feel stressed, okay?”

 

Sirius nodded and hummed, then pulled out and smiled weakly.

 

“Actually, I'd like to ask you something.” Remus lifted his brows, but said, “Sure, go on.”

 

“Will you accompany me on my first ever art showing as my date?” His voice was smug, but the expression on his face showed that he actually cared about the answer very much.

 

Remus felt his throat tighten, and he had to remind himself to speak. “I… Of course, if you want. Yes, I'd love that.” The smile on Sirius' face made him feel warm all over, and he felt his lips forming into a similar one.

 

“Thank you,” Sirius said, standing on his tiptoes and, still smiling, putting his arms around Remus' neck. He closed his eyes and let Remus lean in and kiss him, both of them unable to stop smiling.

 

“Do I have to dress all fancy?” he asked, and Sirius nodded, chuckling. “You bet you do. The image of you in a nice suit is very pleasing in my head.”

 

“When are you meeting Lily?”

 

“Not sure yet, probably tomorrow. We still haven't picked all the works and she has to change the reservation and everything… I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that. She knows how to get what she wants, whereas I'd probably end up begging everyone to just change everything for the sake of my sanity. She's awesome.”

 

“I'd like to get to know them better… I mean, if you're okay with it. And if they don't hate me, that is.” He frowned and his lips twitched, but Sirius caught his hand before he turned around completely.

 

“Hey. Remus?” He waited until Remus took a deep breath and faced him again. “Listen, okay? James, Lily and Marlene are my closest friends. They care about me, and they don't like me getting hurt. But they trust me, too. And when I tell them that this is my choice, that… that I'm happy, they'll give you a chance. No one but James knows, anyway, but even if they did, it wouldn't change a thing. Okay?”

 

“You've got amazing friends, Sirius. I'm glad they're here for you no matter what.”

 

“Yeah, me too.” Squeezing Remus' hand, he smiled at him and leant against the counter.

 

“So… have you got any plans for tonight?” he fidgeted with Remus' bracelet again, tracing the letters with his thumb.

 

“Not really. Um, I was hoping we could spend it together? Maybe go out or just stay here for the movies?”

 

Sirius shrugged, untying his hair so that it can dry quicker. “I'm not fussed, but movies sound great to me. What about you?”

 

“Yeah, I'm not really in the mood to go out.” With that, Remus dragged him to the living room and motioned him to the couch while he went for his laptop.

 

“So… any preference?”

 

“You pick.”

 

“Um… What about _Star Wars_? I've got all of them, we could have a marathon. Hm?”

 

“I kind of haven't seen it yet? But I've heard it's good, so… why not?”

 

Remus looked at him with wide eyes, shaking his head. “How come you haven't… never mind, I'm putting it on.”

 

Sirius chuckled at his disbelief, and soon they were both suggled up together, attention on the movie. Sirius got so into it, he didn't notice Remus watching him until he glanced at him and snorted, “I'm sure the movie's more interesting.” At that, Remus started reciting the lines along with the characters, smiling smugly.

 

“Nerd,” Sirius laughed, poking him in the side. “Well _I_ haven't seen it yet so don't you dare spoil me the end.”

 

“Oh, I wouldn't,” Remus said, hand on his heart and mouth slightly opened. Sirius just rolled his eyes and turned his eyes back to the movie, leaning his head on Remus' arm.

 

A few hours later, they decided to order some food and go down to the bookstore to wait for it. Sirius asked Remus to list him his favourite books and movies, and they talked about them a lot.

 

When he was asked the same, he shrugged, saying that he didn't really have any favourite ones, but he had loads to say about music.

 

It was nice to get to know such basic things about each other, little things to add to the images in their heads. It didn't even seem like an hour when the bell rang, letting them now that the food has arrived.

 

“I'll go get it,” Remus said, walking to the doors and opening them. The delivery guy greeted him with a smile, but that fell off his face when he glanced at Remus' bare hands—Sirius saw Remus tense up, and he realised that he never wore clothes that revealed the scarring on his arms.

 

“Um, how much was it?” he got the guy's attention and handed him the money, then took the food and closed the door behind him. Remus still hasn't moved, and Sirius looked at him worriedly.

 

“Re? Are you okay?” He reached out, but Remus flinched away, then sighed. “Sorry, it's not… I should be used to this. It's just that when I'm with you, I… forget.” He laughed sadly at the last word, shrugging, but not fooling Sirius.

 

“That guy was a jerk. People stare, they always do, but that doesn't mean a thing.”

 

“Doesn't it? How can it not? They see a freak, so they stare.”

 

“Remus that's… that's not true, okay? You're not a freak, you're not… the scars are a part of you. And you are beautiful.” Remus shook his head, walking away.

 

“Don't say that.”

 

“Why not? It's true. You are beautiful, and amazing, and every single piece of you makes me feel like I just can't look away. And you're so much more than what you look like, sure, but that doesn't make you less beautiful.”

 

Remus looked at him, seemingly shaken, but the blankness of his face was starting to crack. Just like that, his expression was a mix of desperate hope and hatred, and when Sirius opened his mouth to speak, his face went back to normal.

 

“No, don't… don't hide your feelings. Don't hide behind that mask you keep wearing. Weren't you the one who told me not to be sorry for what I feel?” He cupped both sides of Remus' face and felt Remus' hands on his wrists—not trying to push him away, just resting there and holding still.

 

“You feel unreal. Like a dream. A fantasy. Sometimes I think that it's  just my mind playing games, making me believe that someone like you could exist and care about someone like me and then… Then you'll just vanish.” There was that raw honesty in Remus' voice again, and he was holding his wrists just a little too tightly.

 

“I'm not going anywhere. I've told you and I'll tell you again—I'm choosing you. It's what I want. _You're_ what I want.” He pulled Remus in a hug, holding him close.

 

“You've got me,” Remus whispered back.

Throughout the following week while he and Lily were planning everything about the showing, Sirius officially told his friends that Remus and him were now dating. Lily and Marlene—even Dorcas, who was spending more time with them all now—seemed bewildered and very happy for them. James was happy, too, but remained careful. He and Remus didn’t talked it out alone until two days before the showing, when they went out for a beer or two. Sirius wanted to go, too, but Remus said that he'd like to get a chance to talk to James about everything.

 

It went better than he expected, and once James got to know Remus more, he had to admit he liked him. Sure, he'd still watch out for him, and he didn't fully trust him yet, but he decided to give him a chance.

 

_The day of the showing_

“Stop fidgeting! You look great, alright? Remus, pass me the water, please? James, dammit, stop running around like a madman, you have no reason to be out of your mind!  Where the hell are my cards?!” Lily was the only reason why the whole thing didn't end up a complete disaster. She gave orders and motioned people towards their spots, gave advice and made attempts to calm everyone down.

 

“Here,” Remus said, handing her the glass with a worried smile. Sirius grabbed it from her hand and gulped it down, eyes widened and breathing shallow. He was a mess, and he kept looking around the room to find a way out.

 

“Si? Hey, are you sure you can make this? If you need a break, or some fresh air…”

 

“Yeah. Break sounds great. Let's go out.” Not being able to say anything more, Remus was being dragged to the balcony where Sirius leant against the whole and clutched at his sides.

 

“I'm scared,” he said, his voice shaking. Remus pulled at his hands and took them in his own, steadying him until the trembling wasn't so violent.

 

“I'm proud of you. Look, in just a few minutes, all those people are going to come to look at your art. They want to see it, not because someone paid them to, but because Lily made sure they knew how good you are. And you are so much more than good, Sirius. I promise you, it'll be alright.”

 

“I just want it to be over… Just… be close to me, yeah? Don't leave me there alone.”

 

“Never.” His lips touched Sirius' forehead in the best reassuring he could manage, and he waved at Lily who was gesturing at them wildly to get back inside.

 

“We should get in, people will begin to arrive any second now.”

 

Sirius nodded, opened the glass door and took deep, calming breaths on his way to the main room. His posture straightened up and he managed a welcoming smile when the doors opened. Lily was guiding the guests through the hall and to the main area when the artworks were placed, then to Sirius who shook hands with all of them, the relief visible on his face when they seemed delighted to meet him.

 

Soon, the showing began. The reaction was, as expected by most: fascinated by Sirius' works. He answered many questions for upcoming magazine articles and posed for a few photos along with Remus, and his friends. One interview was a bit more difficult on him, but he focused on the soothing circles Remus drew on his hand with his thumb to keep himself steady.

 

None of them expected it to go so fast, and in almost no time, the critics and all the guests were begining to leave. Sirius chatted with each of them before they left, and they kept shooting questions at him whenever they got a chance. He was satisfied with the number of artworks he sold, even though it wasn't the main goal of the night. When the doors closed behind the last of them, he leaned against it and let out a breath, soon followed by a laugh.

 

“I told you!” Lily shouted while crushing him in a fierce hug. “I told you they'll love you. You were amazing!” She planted a kiss on his cheek and went to grab Marlene so that they can discuss the formalities.

 

Next one to hug him was James, who seemed like he didn't want to let go. The tears that were drying on his cheeks made Sirius' eyes go misty, and he squeezed James as tight as he could.

“Jamie, I couldn't do this without you.”

 

“I'd love to take credit for this one. But this was all you, love. I'm so damn proud of you,” James said, smiling widely and letting go of Sirius with a last squeeze.

 

It all felt like a blur, people congratulating him, friends hugging him and making him pulse with the love he felt for them. And the look on Remus' hand holding his, not letting go the whole time… The happiness spreading in his chest was overwhelming.

 

Lily had a team of employees to take care of everything, so she told everyone else to go home and get some rest. James decided to stay behind with her, but he waved off Sirius when he wanted to stay, too.“I don't wanna hear it. I know you well enough, you're exhausted and you need to take care of yourself. Remus, take him home, yeah?”

 

Remus, still not used to the fact that James accepted him like this, nodded with an approving smile and said, “James' right. Let's go, okay?” Sirius didn't protest this time, and the two of them said their goodbyes to everyone before leaving.

 

“Can we take a walk? It's not far and the air seems like a good idea,” Sirius said, visibly relaxing when he got out of the room.

 

“Of course.” Once they were on the street, they could see some cars parked in front of the building but no one approached them. They walked down the pavement and took a path around the old school, where the noise wasn't so obnoxious.

 

“Thank you for being there for me. I would have probably passed out a few times had it not been for you,” Sirius said, lifting their joined hands. “But you caught me.”

 

Remus smiled, shaking his head and cupping Sirius' cheek so that he could see him properly. “I'll always catch you.” Sirius joined their lips before he finished the last word, and he let himself get lost in the kiss, finally realising that it's over, and that all those people thought his art was amazing. He remembered his mother throwing away his brushes and beating his hands when she saw the colourful mess that were once his clothes, he remembered her telling him it was a waste of time, that he'll never be good enough, that he was just a disappointment… and for once, he didn't believe a word of it. Not when Remus was kissing him like this, not when he looked at him the whole time with so much pride and happiness and like he was the only person there.

 

Sirius startled when he felt Remus freeze, and just seconds later, Remus pulled away and turned around, his whole body tense.

 

“What…” he began, following Remus' gaze and he closed his mouth when he saw a man walking to them. He was tall and broad-shouldered, his face covered in the dark, but the shock on Remus' face showed that he recognised him.

 

“Hey,” Sirius said, reaching for his hand, but Remus didn't let him. He took a step forward and stood in front of Sirius while the man stopped where the shadows still covered him.

 

“Get out of here, now,” Remus spat out, the tone of his voice sending a shiver down Sirius' spine. The man let out a humourless laugh and stepped into the light. Sirius' heart sped up when he saw the man's face. He looked just like…

 

“That's not a nice greeting, Remus. After fifteen years, I'd expect something more from you.”

 

“What are you doing here?” Remus' voice was filled with anger and hatred, but Sirius could see his trembling hands, he could hear his frantic, shallow breaths… Remus was afraid, and he was trying very hard to hide it.

 

“Remus, what's going on?” he said, grabbing Remus by the shoulder and trying to make him look at him.

 

“I wouldn't do that, boy. Didn't they tell you that animals are dangerous? You wouldn't want your pretty face getting hurt, would you?” The smile on man's face was growing wider, but his eyes were filled with disgust.

 

“Stop it! You have no right…” Remus took a step forward, but the man was quicker. He grabbed Remus by the collar and kicked him in the knees, causing him to fall down. Sirius felt anger rushing through his veins, and he tried to throw a punch, but the man just growled and pushed him away.

 

“Don't touch him! Don't you dare!” Remus pushed the man away and stood up, then rushed to Sirius who wasn't hurt, but the shock kept him on the ground.

 

“You won't tell me what I can or cannot do, you beast! You are happy to be alive. I should have killed you when I had the chance—had it not been for her, I would have. Now she's dead and you think you can order me around? You wanna know why I'm here? How I found you?”

 

Sirius was staring, dumbfounded, trying to make some sense of what he saw. He stood up and when the realisation hit him, he almost fell back on the ground.

 

“Remus, is he your…” he knew immediately he was right when he looked at Remus' death-pale face.

 

“I told you to keep your distance, kid. You should listen to me if you don't want to get killed.”

 

Remus' father—it was like someone kicked the breath out of Sirius' lungs when he thought those words—pointed a wand on Sirius' face. Remus cried out and looked like he wanted to run to his father, but the wand stopped him.

 

“Don't… please, let him go. Let him leave, and we can talk, just… don't hurt him.” It was as if he was waiting to hear that—the smile on his face could have split it in two.

 

“Now we're talking. If you move again, I won't hesitate to kill him. Are we clear?”

 

Remus nodded, and Sirius felt the words getting stuck in his throat. He didn't care about the wand pointed at his chest—he just wanted to wash that look of sheer terror from Remus' face. The man in front of him was the reason why Remus hated himself so much, and Sirius have never wanted to hurt another person so much.

 

“Let's move to the reason of my visit, shall we? You see, I've recently started a small business… nothing huge, but I needed some place to start, right? I had a few buildings around the area, and I had my men check on them. I was very surprised to hear that one of them was already being used.

 

Any idea what I'm talking about?” Remus stared at his father without saying a word, but he didn’t see the flash of light until it hit him in the face. The pain was sharp and he could feel blood, but he paid it no attention. He saw how Sirius froze when the curse hit him, and he wasn't quick enough to stop Sirius—he pulled his wand out so quickly that it seemed like a blur, but before he could cast a spell, Remus' father shouted “ _Expelliarmus_!” and his wand flew into his hand.

 

“Next time you do something stupid, it'll be Avada Kedavra. Don't try me. Now step back.” Sirius was shaking with anger, but since he had no other choice, he took a step back until he was next to Remus.

“I'll take my stuff away. Give me a day, and you won't even know I've ever been there. You'll never see me again,” Remus said, He kept his voice quiet—pleading, even. He knew that they had no chance to fight his father when he had a wand pointed at their faces. He wanted to tell Sirius to run, but he knew it was pointless. He wanted to say he was sorry, but all he managed was to look at his father who was shaking his head, chuckling.

 

“I know you could get lost again. But that's not the point, is it? When I found out it was _you_ , I was very angry, Remus. You poisoned that place by breathing the air there. I should lock you up in a cage where you belong, you filthy monster!” The smile disappeared from his face, and it got replaced by deep hatred.

 

“Stop calling him that!” Sirius couldn't stop the shaking, and he was starting to see red. There was nothing else in the world he wanted more than to shut that man up for good.

 

“Oh, but why shouldn't I? Those of his kind are nothing but that—monsters. But, wait…” He looked from Sirius to Remus and back at Sirius' confused expression.

 

“He doesn't know, does he? Of course, otherwise he'd never even touch you!”

 

His father's eyes widened and Remus managed a quiet shriek. “Please, Lyall…” He realised his mistake immediately when his father's face darkened.

 

“Don't you dare speaking my name! Why don't you tell your friend what you are?” he casted another curse, this time causing Remus to cry out in pain.

 

For a second, Sirius wondered why no one heard them, but then he noticed a thin layer of magic closed around them like a bubble. Lyall must have planned this, he must have followed them and made sure they'll have no chance to run.

 

“I don't care! Nothing he'll say would make me leave him.” Despite Remus' startled look, he took his hand in his own again. Lyall didn't seem to notice, the sneer on his face growing wide again.

 

“He's…”

 

Remus didn't let him finish. “A werewolf,” he whispered instead. He shut his eyes and tried to pull away, but Sirius held him firmly.

 

“So?” he said, even though he was in shock. It made sense, he realised—the scars, the self-hating… but the word _monster_ was everything that Remus wasn't.

 

His hand brushed against the wand in Remus' back pocket, and his breathing sped up when he realised what that meant. He just had to keep Lyall distracted.

 

“Werewolf,” he said, shrugging, and he ignored Remus flinching by his side. “so be it. It doesn't make him any less human. It doesn't make him a monster, not in the slightest. You, on the other hand…” he was close, so close, the wand was just out of his reach… “hating your own son, blaming him for things he couldn't control… you're the monster here. Not him,” he grasped the wand and without looking away from Lyall's face, he cast a spell that sent him falling to the ground, unconscious.

 

He was trembling still, but he felt a wave of relief. He turned around and froze again, because Remus was on his knees, looking at the ground and unmoving.

 

“Remus,” he cried out, dropping the wand when he kneeled down next to him. “Hey, hey, look at me. It's over. He won't hurt you , he's…” he reached out, but Reus flinched away as if his touch burnt him.

 

Sirius didn't know what was happening, but he saw Remus picking up the wand and standing up quickly, backing up from him.

 

“What… Remus…”

 

“He was right,” he said, averting Sirius' eyes. “I'll disappear. You'll never hear about me again. Please, I'll do anything you want, just… don't turn me into the Ministry, okay? In my flat, you'll find some money there, I'll…”

 

“What are you talking about?” Sirius asked, but Remus shook his head.

 

“I'm sorry,” Remus whispered through his teeth, his eyes glistening with tears. He turned around and when Sirius realised he was about to disapparate, he heard himself cry out.

 

“You promised not to run away.” The words seemed to force Remus to freeze on his spot, but he couldn't see his face. Sirius stood up, his own vision blurry because of the tears welling in his eyes. “Remember? You said you'll stay with me. That you wouldn’t leave me again.” He waited, not daring to move in fear that Remus will disappear into the night.

 

After what seemed like hours, Remus turned around and looked up at him. Again, Sirius could see the rawness of his pain, the desperation and hope…

 

“But… you're still in shock. You don't know… don't know what it means. I was stupid, Sirius. Merlin, I'm so sorry… I could have hurt you. I _did_ hurt you, and by staying with you, I put you in danger. You should hate me,” he said, his voice breaking.

 

Sirius didn't care. He was fully aware of what the word _werewolf_ meant, and it meant nothing. Not giving Remus any time to back up again, he closed the distance between them and grabbed his wrist.

“Listen to me very carefully. I'm not in shock, I'm not ignoring the truth, I'm not trying to dismiss it… I realise that you are a werewolf. And hey,” he held Remus more firmly when he felt he wanted to pull away again, “ _I don't care_. I'm not going anywhere, and screw that _monster_ lying right there for ever thinking I'd leave you because of this. You are good, and kind, and amazing, and these last few days you made me feel like no one else ever has. Don't let him take this away from us, Remus, because I think that… “ he didn't finish, because suddenly there was a sound behind their backs and he could feel his heart missing a beat. They should have been more careful, they shouldn't have let him lie there with his wand in his hand…

 

“Sirius? Remus? Oh thank Merlin, we've been looking… what happened?” Lily's bright hair was glowing in the dark like a flashlight and when she and James stepped close enough to see Lyall lying motionless on the ground. They froze in shock.

 

“I… It's a bit of a long story. Let's go home, okay?” Sirius was answering her, but his eyes didn't leave Remus' face. He waited for an answer, and Remus gave him the smallest nod. The little movement made all the difference in the world for him.

 

Both Lily and James must have noticed how shaken they both were, and they agreed without questions.

 

“What about him?” James asked, pointing at Lyall.

 

“Leave him here,” Remus rasped, not looking at any of them. “I need to go home. I have to… I need to move out.” He managed to look at Sirius, and his expression was urgent—Sirius didn't know if it was a good idea to leave Lyall there, being that he could turn Remus in, but he nodded.

 

“Can I come with you?” Remus nodded again, and he looked up at James and Lily who were exchanging looks.

 

“We could help, too. But… don't you want to get some rest first? You don't have to say what happened yet, but couldn't it wait?”

 

“No. It needs to happen now,” Remus spoke up again, lifting his wand again as if he wanted to disapparate right then.

 

“Okay, okay. But we still want to come along, right Lily?” When she nodded, James looked back at the two of them. “We came by car. Lily cast a spell to find you because you weren't home and none of you answered calls… so we drove here in case something happened. Marlene said that someone asked her about Remus after you two left, and that even though she didn't tell him anything, he seemed like he knew which way you went and followed you. I suppose that was him,” James pointed at Lyall again.

 

“Yes,” was all that Sirius managed, and they walked to the car together. Remus was quiet the whole time, and no one asked any questions except when James asked for directions. Sirius answered since Remus didn't seem capable of speaking right then, and they got off the car once they were there.

 

The moving out ended up being real quick. Remus started casting minimalizing spells at everything in the bookstore, and since he didn't tell them what to do, they started casting them, too. He then brought some bags where they stuffed the books and the furniture, and then he walked up into his flat. Once his flat was empty, too, he stood in the centre of the room and without saying a word, looked at the plain walls and everything that used to be his home.

 

“I… I asked Lily and James to go home. They're worried, but I said I'll explain to them later. I won't tell them anything you don't want me to, but I have to give them some explanation.”

 

“I'm not asking you to keep it a secret,” Remus said. “I have no right to ask you for anything.”

 

“Stop saying those things, okay? I meant what I said, Remus.”

 

“But how?” the pain in his voice was like a sharp pain in his chest. “I don't understand. People avoid my kind, they are afraid and they have a good reason to fear us. I don't get how you can stand being this close to me,” he pointed at the non-existent gap between them.

 

“It's because I know you. And if you'll let me, I'll have enough time to prove you I mean this. But now… can we talk about what we'll do now? Won't Lyall turn you in? Is it safe for you now when he knows you live,” he looked around and corrected himself, “ _lived_ here?”

 

“He won't,” Remus said, walking to the window and opening it to let in some air. He leant against the wall next to it and Sirius waited patiently for him to continue.

 

“Before my mother died, she made him promise to protect me. He hates me, but he wouldn't break his promise. It's one thing he wouldn't take away from me—my freedom. I don't understand how his twisted mind works, because torture and abuse were probably not bad enough to count as not protecting me. When he wakes up, he'll come here and have what he wanted. And he'll leave me alone.”

 

“But… he kept threatening you and…”

 

“I know. He would hurt me without regret, but he wouldn't kill me. And he wouldn't turn me in. Since I got away, he won't dare to hurt _you_ to get to me. I've got proof of financial crimes he committed that would put him in jail for years—surprising me was the only way to get me, and he lost that chance.”

 

It was such a relief that spread across his whole body, Sirius couldn't help a smile forming on his face.

 

“You'll be okay. He won't touch you. Remus, you… You could come live with us. Jamie wouldn't mind, I'm sure. If it makes you feel safer, we could even move away so that he doesn't have a clue where you are. We'll be okay,” he felt drunk on relief and he cupped Remus' cheek with a huge smile.

He half expected Remus to push his hand away again, but the tiniest hint of a smile that he saw on his face sent a wave of joy through his body.

 

“You really mean it?” he asked, and Sirius nodded frantically. “If you want to.” When Remus didn't answer, Sirius shook his head and said, “you've got time to think about it, okay? Let's go home. Let's get some sleep and deal with everything in the morning, okay?”

 

Remus took a deep breath and studied Sirius' face for a little longer. “Okay,” he said at last, this time with a real smile.

 

When they arrived, they found Lily in the kitchen brewing herself a coffee. She seemed relieved to see them.

 

“I sent James to bed, but he wouldn’t hear it… he's passed out on the couch though, and I thought I'll wait for you here. Everything alright,” she asked, and Sirius smiled at her. “Yeah. We're okay.”

 

That night, Remus didn't have to fight away nightmares. He couldn't fall asleep for a long time, and he still couldn't believe that Sirius, the man he knew he was in love with, was now sleeping calmly by his side after getting to know the truth. He knew everything now, and he didn't bat an eye.

 

Sirius pulled him closer in his sleep, holding onto him as if he never wanted to let go. Remus brushed a stray of hair of his face, leaned in close to his ear and whispered. “You're the best thing that ever happened to me. And if you are a dream… I never want to wake up.” He was surprised when he heard Sirius answer.

 

“Then neither do I. But if you want to know so much,” he lifted his head and planted a kiss on his neck. “I'm as real as it gets. And I'm not going anywhere.”

 

“Nor am I. I promised, right? You're the one thing I'll never run away from.” He could feel Sirius smile against the skin of his neck, and the tray of kisses continued until they reached his lips.

 

“So what do you say? Will you call this place your home from now on?”

 

“You are my home,” he said, trying to express in the kiss how much this all meant to him. How much he loved him.

 

Never in his life had it occurred to Remus that he'll ever hear the words that Sirius whispered against his lips.

 

“I love you…”

 

 

 

-The end

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from a twenty one pilots song called car radio ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)


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